I Broke Up With My Ex Over The Phone Because I’m A Horrible Person

girl looking at phone upset

I am terrible at some aspects of relationships and there is really no way around it. Mostly, I am just inexperienced with the serious stuff so I tend to avoid it all. I’ve only had one real breakup my entire life and I was the one that had to do all of the breaking. Before that, it was short relationships with guys who were too cowardly to actually break up with me, so they ghosted me. But this time, I was in the unsuccessful relationship and he wasn’t pulling out of it anytime soon. So one morning I just woke up in a panic. Today had to be the day.

But today couldn’t be the day. I had to work. And I lived an hour from him. I convinced myself I had to do it in person. I had to. It was the right thing to do. I said I would do it three days from now. I waited. I cried. I planned. But as the days went by I realized more and more I didn’t want to go and see him. I drove up to see him once a week, and on the rare occasion he would borrow his parents’ car and come see me. But the truth is, the man really made no actual attempt to see me. I would have to trek all the way up to where he lived and tell him it just wasn’t worth it anymore. This is a man who re-gifted a bottle of champagne my parents gave him for his birthday right back to them on Christmas Day. He also refused to tell me he loved me after two full years of dating him. Oh, and he refused to go down on me. The point is, it just didn’t seem worth it to take a chunk out of my day for someone who just didn’t give two shits about me. I warmed his bed and touched his junk whenever he wanted. He didn’t have to lift a finger.

To make matters worse, it was supposed to snow that day anyway, so there was a heavy chance I could get stranded there post break-up. He also lived with his parents, so not only would I get stranded there with him, I would get stranded there with him and his parents who just didn’t like me that much to begin with. They were the annoying intellectual types that turned the internet off at night because the “noise kept them up,” whatever that meant. His mom claimed she could hear the waves of electricity coming from the box. We never could watch Netflix after 9 p.m. But anyway, I digress.

I made my brother stay with me that entire day, I just couldn’t bear it alone. My boyfriend had been texting me throughout the day while he was at work at his job as a barista. I finally caved in.

“We need to talk today. Call me when you’re off work.”

Which was, of course, my biggest rookie mistake. He demanded we talk now, on his break, which was a mere 15 minute long. I knew this was it. I was going to do the unthinkable. I was going to break up with him over the phone. They made sitcom episodes about people like me. I think Chandler tried to break up with Janice in a note and they ridiculed him forever. The conversation was surprisingly short. But damn it all came spilling out of me. I didn’t want to move in with him, I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I just couldn’t do it. I cried. But not for him, for me, for having to deal with this at all. I know. I am a piece of shit and I am fine with that.

I really thought I would get more shit for breaking up with him this way. He never demanded more of an answer. He never even talked to me after that 3-minute breakup call. So much for two whole years of dating. Thank God I didn’t drive all the way up there for that meager little conversation. He didn’t really care about me like I thought he did, which hurt. But I got away with murder. All I am saying is sometimes you can take the shitty way out because shitty people don’t deserve any of the good parts.

Image via Shutterstock

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If I can't be buried with my dick pics then I don't wanna die.

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