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Calling All Couples Who Wear Promise Rings: You’re Stupid

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This is a PSA to all of you disgusting couples out there who make the rest of us roll our eyes so hard they practically fall out of our heads. We get it, you’re young and in love. You love to post photos of you and “your boy” kissing, and apple picking, and braiding each other’s hair — and you don’t need a #mcm because every day is #mcm to you. We seriously get it, but there is a trend that has been around for some time that a few of us over here at TSM cannot wrap our heads around, and it’s the idea of promise rings. To enlighten any of you lucky souls out there who don’t know what a promise ring entails, it’s essentially a pre-engagement ring. In other words, a pre-pre-wedding ring. In other, OTHER words, fucking stupid.

Now, don’t get me wrong, being in a loving and happy relationship is an amazing thing. But the concept behind promise rings is what is dumbfounding to so many girls out there (read: me). If you’re dating and things start to become serious, aren’t you already technically in the pre-engagement process? That’s why we use words like, “exclusive” and “monogamous” when discussing our relationships, because these titles help define the fact that we are committed to one individual and hoping things will move forward in a natural progression.

Now, before your ears start fuming and you head on down to the comments section to call me “a lonely single hag who will never find love,” please keep in mind that as someone who has been on the receiving end of a promise ring, the idea is a beautiful and great thing. The execution, however, is fucking stupid. If you want to be with someone, be with someone. If you want to be with someone forever, be with someone forever. Quit handing out jewelry and just be in a relationship with someone you like-like and like-likes you back.

In all reality, if someone is going to force us to wear some Kay Jeweler’s, nickel-based garbage covered in a cursive quote expressing how he will, “love you now, forever, and always,” here’s a list of comparable gifts your guy could consider getting to express how much he love you:

  1. Pap smear.
  2. A semi-blind beautician to wax my eyebrows.
  3. Food poisoning.
  4. Any Taylor Swift album.
  5. An expired Victoria’s Secret Secret Reward Card worth $500.
  6. Hair-crimper.
  7. A book of Karma Sutra For the elderly.
  8. Anything from Starbucks made with whole-fat milk.
  9. Dick pics.
  10. Hunter rain boots, 2 sizes too small.
  11. Industrial-grade Spanx.
  12. His old, voided checks.
  13. Season 2 of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” on VHS.
  14. A pet rabid racoon.
  15. Punched in the face by a hobo.
  16. Ebola.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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