Calm Down, I’m Not Trying To Steal Your Boyfriend


I only have brothers, and I grew up as the only girl on my street. To ensure my own survival, I had to become a tomboy. That meant that I spent my weekends going to campouts, climbing trees and playing every sport under the sun. Times were simple, and I loved every skinned knee and tackle football bruise that adorned my body. Then, I suddenly grew boobs, got my period and found myself attracted to the guys who I dedicated my childhood to beating up.

As I got older, I found girl friends. I started spending more time perfecting my smoky eye and less time learning how to send smoke signals. Naturally, I joined a sorority. But the one part of my tomboy past I didn’t shake was having lots of male friends. To this day, I have tons of guy friends. I’m not one of the guys, but I can drink you under the table, I can hold my own in a game of poker, and I’m not one to shy away from a cigar. In fact, I’m probably close friends with your boyfriend. Oh, and for the last fucking time, I am not trying to steal him.

I do not, under any circumstances, want to sleep with, kiss, steal, blah blah blah or date your boyfriend just because we are friends. Actually, that’s exactly why I don’t want to sleep with him. Maybe I’m stuck in the past, but fucking someone changes things, and I like things they way they are. Having male friends is the shit, so why the fuck would I jeopardize that?

Being friends with your boyfriend means I have all the ins. One of his brothers need a date to formal? I’m your girl, and I don’t even need to make a cooler. Party running low on alcohol? No one is going to deny me a drink. I have to pee? Forget the fucking line, I’m being escorted upstairs to the nicest, most private bathroom there is. It can be pretty great. On the reverse, my males friends also expect me to play matchmaker and convince my sisters that hooking up with them as a one night stand is a good idea. If you’re acting “crazy” then I’m the one who has to hear about it constantly. Oh, and I’m totally privy to all the absolutely nasty things that guys do.

I mean absolutely no offense by this, but having your boyfriend at his maximum level of comfortable around me is absolutely the worst thing in the world. Once you’ve hit “best female friend” status, he feels totally comfortable burping, farting, adjusting his balls, etc. It’s fucking disgusting.

All of that, on top of the fact that his treats me like the little sister he never had? You might see me as a threat because I like to run in a sports bra and have the ass of a Kardashian stunt double, but honestly, the only thing your man sees when he looks at me is a weird cross between the one female little league coach he had and the kid his mom forced him to play with when he was eleven. That’s not boner material, those are the kind of things men think about when they are trying to prevent premature ejaculation (or, as we call it in college, ejaculation).

And that’s not to say that I see my male friends as any different way. Honestly, to me, your boyfriend is basically like a poorly dressed version of my brother and the one teacher I could tolerate during high school. If that mental image gets you going, please seek help. You might have some deep set issues that you need to work through immediately.

So please, back the fuck off. Don’t worry about me hanging around the house or him texting me a couple times a day. I’m not gonna steal your boyfriend. I don’t want to. Just stand quietly over there while I shotgun my beer and then be escorted to a private bathroom like a queen.

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Everything you want in a sister, sorority or biological - funny, hardworking, pretty but not in an super obvious way. Essentially, a funnier Elle Woods who is constantly having a bad hair day. Questions, concerns, videos of dogs and coupons for Thai food can be sent to

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