Emily, you put up a good fight, and frankly, your efforts did not go unnoticed.
Your Instagram flirtation was impeccable — honestly, I was impressed. You somehow managed to like, not every photo, just every photo that was appropriate. It was never just a thirst trap. It’s hard to avoid a double tap on an “HBD” ‘gram or a meme that doesn’t relate to your life when you want attention, but you resisted. When you commented, you managed to make it both relevant but also an inside joke. I don’t know worth a damn why you’re talking about Fight Club meatballs, but now I sure as hell wish I did.
Look. Normally, I wouldn’t care so much about your general existence, but I’m going to admit something that doesn’t come easily to me. You’re not ugly. I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re pretty, but someone might. Chris might. I mean, he hasn’t, but he might. You’re just not quite the heinous cave troll I was envisioning (and hoping for) when he first told me he was “studying with Emily.” And trust me, that is a compliment.
God, fucking “studying” with Emily. I know that play. I invented that play. Trick them into helping you with something, make them feel like a man, and then lock them in your basement until they agree to love you forever? Fucking been there, sweetheart. And I had to just sit there and pretend that I didn’t even know, let alone care.
Here’s the thing though, Em. While your mild Twitter flirtation has enraged me for months, and every unreturned text shook me to my core as visions of you and Chris falling madly in love danced in my head, the tables have turned now. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s time you just walk away with grace.
This morning, I woke up, checked if I had any text messages, scrolled through my Twitter notis, checked Instagram, and opened Snapchat, like I do every morning. Twitter was the same old favorites from the same old friends. Instagram was the same memes and candids as it always was. But Snapchat — the beautiful little social medium that started out as nothing more than a way to send nudes and eventually evolved into so much more — came through for me today. While normally it’s just a day in the life of me, rewatching my own story 5-7 times, and then quickly tapping through everyone else’s, today was different.
I woke to a good morning snap from Chris, as I’d done many times before. But when the notification cleared, where there once appeared a red heart next to his name, appeared for the first time ever, two little pink ones. At first, I was taken aback. I didn’t know pink hearts existed — no one I’d known had ever gotten this far before. I didn’t even know what it meant.
Do you know what it means, Emily? Do you? It means Chris and I have been top best friends for TWO MONTHS. No big deal, right? He’s just thinking about me more than anyone else on the entire social platform. And sure, that might just be because I am snapping him a lot and he’s replying, but I see you on Instagram, Twitter, and even Facebook sometimes, so I can’t imagine you’re not a little attention-seeker on Snapchat too.
So, I guess you know what this means for you, Emily. You lost. It’s over. You tried, and that’s noble, but you had two months to turn my red heart back into a blushing smiley face, and you just couldn’t do it. You know why? Because Chris chose me. I know he hasn’t actually said so, and you guys still hang out and talk, and maybe even bang, but, like, Snapchat emojis don’t lie. I’m clearly his favorite, and if you can’t be the favorite, why even bother?
You’ll find someone else, I’m sure of it. Like I said. You’re not ugly. In some circles, you might even be considered average. But I think it’s time you tiptoe out of here before you embarrass yourself, and I promise, my friends and I will stop screenshotting pictures of you in our group text. Probably.
Anyway, thanks for playing. You were a worthy opponent. But you messed with the best in the game..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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