Chris Brown v. Drake: Bottle Service Brawl

Wednesday night at NYC club, W.i.P., Chris Brown and Drake battled it out over Rihanna, making it even harder to take either of them seriously. Gauntlets (and bottles of extremely overpriced alcohol) were thrown, leading to the injuries of NBA star Tony Parker and an Australian tourist, ‘Hollie C.’. According to Hollie’s testimonial, she was standing outside the celebrity hotspot when the fight broke out. Both Chris Brown and Wheelchair “Drake” Jimmy were enjoying bottle service and, in an effort to out-douche each other, began throwing bottles when their argument escalated.

Hollie C's injuries.

One of the bottles hit Hollie in the head, leading to her overnight hospitalization and 16 stitches. Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs was also injured when stray shards of glass flew into his eye. Unfortunately his injury will not put him on the bench for France’s Olympic basketball team this summer, but fortunately for America the French team is still, in fact, French.

Personally, I’m on Drake’s side. I’m sure he was just trying to protect this nice lady from the beating she would’ve inevitably received from his girlfriend-beating nemesis. Granted, I’m extremely biased toward Drake and his mediocre music since I’ve been a big fan of his since his Wheelchair Jimmy days on Degrassi. In case your parents didn’t have the best cable package money could buy (thanks Dad!), Degrassi is quite possibly the greatest teen melodramas ever. Seriously, it makes Secret Life of the American Teenager look like child’s play. In the wake of this lovely display of celebrity bravado, the New York City Council has held several meetings discussing necessary changes to nightclub bottle service policies. My suggestion? Get rid of it completely, bottle service is just a way for douchebags to try to make up for what they’re obviously lacking in…size.

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