Chronic bitch face is a debilitating attribute that affects the facial muscles, causing the afflicted to look like a total and complete bitch. This crippling and socially impairing handicap deems a girl guilty of looking pissed off 80 percent of the time. Symptoms include emotionless eyes, fierce eyebrows, and an overall stern appearance. As a girl affected by chronic bitch face, I can personally attest that it is no fun and quite annoying. It’s not that I’m actually constantly angry or irritated–my face just happens to naturally look like that of a total asshole. I’m not talking about a Tyra Banks type of beautiful fierceness, I’m talking about a chronic Grumpy Cat expression. Unless I’m actively smiling or making an effort to not look like I just murdered a family of six, I look like I’m pissed at the world. It sucks, because other than that, I’m a relatively approachable person (after I’ve had my coffee, that is). You know that you also suffer from chronic bitch face if you resonate with the following situations:
- You have to reassure your friends anywhere from five to 10 times a day that you are NOT mad at them.
- You may feel totally content and happy, but you look like Kristen Stewart.
- You sometimes forget how mean you look and are confused when people avoid eye contact or look terrified to be around you.
- Your cute, flirtatious smile actually makes you look like you’ve devised a new murder scheme.
- Your family constantly tells you smile, and you’re like, “I’m fucking happy, dammit.”
- Interviews are your worst nightmare, because who would hire a girl who looks like she drowns kittens for fun?
- The freshmen in your sorority are all afraid of you because you look like a raging asshole.
- You get asked the same questions on a daily basis: “Are you pissed about something?” “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay.” “Are you bored?” “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
- You have to respond to these questions, saying, “NOTHING IS WRONG. IT’S JUST MY FACE.”
- Your friends eventually open up to you and tell you they were intimidated by you the first few times they met you. You’ve gotten, “I thought you hated me” a solid 15 times.
- You have to use a wide array of vocal tones to make up for the fact that your face is stuck in such a bored expression.
- You generally give off an awful first impression.
- People expect your attitude toward strangers is similar to that of Kanye’s toward the paparazzi.
- You’ve learned to avoid arching your eyebrows, because it makes you look like Jafar from “Aladdin”.
- That cute guy at the bar seems overly cautious and on-guard when approaching you. You can just tell that internally, he’s like, “Shit, this girl looks pissed, should I go for it?”
- Then when you actually smile, you witness a legitimate wave of relief sweep across his face.
- Additionally, you give him major props for approaching you when your face says, “I have eight cats and I knit in my free time.”
- You have to tell people when you actually are pissed, because your angry face is pretty much identical to your resting face.
- In fact, if your face had a slogan, it would be “Get the hell away from me.”
- Your cheeks hurt from faking a smile the entire time during a conversation with a person you’ve just met, because you don’t want him or her automatically thinking that you’re a dick.
- Nicki Minaj is your spirit animal.
- People think you’re PMSing every day of the month.
- You look like you’re plotting a mass murder, when in reality you’re just wondering what’s for lunch.
- Your boyfriend lives in constant fear that he has done something wrong.
- You’ve learned to own your bitch face, because you are awesome and anyone who sticks around through your misleading mask will see that.
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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