College is a game. It’s a big, giant, mind-fuck of a game where you have to decide what dice to roll, what cards to play, and what bets to make. Sometimes it’s the gamble between a night out when you know you’ll have the time of your life or a night in, studying so you can have the life you want. I think the biggest game we play in college, however, is taboo. In the environment of one-night stands, searching for meaning, and constant confusion, we always wonder what we can and cannot say, and when we take our words too far.
To help, I’ve compiled a list of “taboo” words to keep you safe. Your mouth is not to be trusted out there, ladies.
Anal: I don’t think there is a word that makes college-aged women more uncomfortable. As soon as a guy utters it, we are already making the “I have to feed my cat” excuse (despite the fact he knows you don’t have a cat) and run for the door, never to look back. When someone drops that word, my ass cheeks immediately clench up. It isn’t that we aren’t open minded. It’s just that we aren’t open ass-holed. There are better places you can put your dick. Like a bear trap.
Titties: I just absolutely hate this word. Like, grow up.
Pregnancy: This is one of those words we think about on a second-to-second basis but never actually say aloud. If our periods are a second late, we automatically plan how we are going to tell the father. We also calculate our due date to see if it coincides with formal. It doesn’t matter that we are on birth control, make him wear a condom, and also practice the pull-out method on the regular–it’s terrifying.
Relationship: What a love-hate word. It’s basically what we’re looking for in college. Sure, the sisters, campus involvement, and a “pre-med” major is cool, but really, we just want to graduate with that three carat Tiffany’s princess cut. Unfortunately, the guys around here seem to disagree. This is one of those words we aren’t allowed to say. We wonder what exactly is going on when we’re doing the no pants dance with our boy du jour, and that just makes things even more confusing.
Threesome: Is there a more clichéd request from college guys than a ménage à trois? LOL, no. As soon as a guy is in the company of two attractive women (and I feel like they’re flexible on the “attractive” part) visions of threesomes dance in their heads. Maybe you’ve given in and set the bar way too high for the rest of us (thanks, bitch) or maybe you know what’s what and you said no. Either way, if guys want a sure way of getting a sleazy reputation and never called again, all they have to do is ask for a threesome.
Last Call: But…we just got here. I’m not nearly drunk enough to hit up my booty call. I wasn’t ready for this. I don’t care that the clock says 2 a.m. This was not expected and it is not okay. There were more shots to be had, more tables to dance on. This is why I don’t trust people.
Standards: We all have them, but our Greek organization’s standards are a lot different than our own standards. Our standards include never buying our own drinks, only talking to him if he’s really hot or really rich, and making sure our Snapchats are going to the appropriate recipients. When the word “standards” is uttered in college, you realize that you shouldn’t have danced on the table, and that for some horrible reason, time out still exists. Except now, instead of not being allowed to play outside, you can’t play with half naked boys at a social.
Sober Sister: Being a sister in a sorority is great. Having sisters in the sorority who will drive their drunk off their asses sisters home after a bar bender is even better. Being one of the “sober sisters” who has to do the driving is the worst. The actual worst. It’s not that we don’t care about sisterhood, safety, and being sensible. Those things are great. Just, like, not when you have to be the sensible sister in charge of safety as opposed to the blacked out sister who is in the backseat crying over her sort-of boyfriend and begging for Taco Bell.
“[Insert Ex’s Name Here]:” Nothing gets your blood boiling quite like bringing up your ex. It doesn’t matter if it’s the asshole you dated or the bitch he spent time with. No one wants to talk about old trash. Sometimes it’s inevitable, like when his new girlfriend circles you at the bar, or, you know, when you’re drunk and someone brings up his name and you start spontaneously start crying. It’s better for everyone to just avoid the topic and pretend the ex no longer exists. I hear he was really bad in bed, anyway.
“Can we talk?”: No. We can’t talk, because nothing good happens after someone says this. This isn’t even just a college thing. This is, like, a real thing. There are only one of three ways this conversation can go: a breakup, a pregnancy scare, or an STD. The fact that we are the women who produce infants means it’s either a breakup or the clap, and, like, I don’t know which is worse (JK, obviously the breakup).