Columns

College Sports Ranked By Fuckability

by drunk and confused

I am ambivalent towards sports. I don’t hate them, but I’m not what you would call a sports fan, either. I like the sports experience more than sports itself. I love nothing more than being in the stands for a college basketball game and hearing the roar of the crowd while vehemently screaming insults at the refs. Plus, tailgating for football games may be the highlight of my young life. I have no problem admitting the insane level of attraction I feel towards college athletes. The muscle definition coupled with their tanned and toned features — ugh, I’m swooning. So I’ve objectively ranked the college athletics by fuckability, because that’s how most of us judge them anyway, right?

7. Wrestling

Wrestling always seemed very interesting to me. Don’t get me wrong, there are some incredibly manly aspects to wrestling. The sheer strength and fortitude required are nothing short of mindblowing. But there’s something homoerotic about two dudes in tights going at it. I respect it, but it doesn’t make my panties drop. Maybe they could add some excitement by throwing the competitors in a pool of jello or something. Now that’s hot.

6. Swimming

A swimmer’s body is no joke. It’s almost as if the chlorinated pool water acts as holy water for a six pack. I also have never seen a swimmer at the bar or party. Or in public. Maybe the lack of oxygen is getting to their heads. Swimmers, in my experience, also seem to be the intelligent ones too. I got my eye on you, you amphibian-like creatures.

5.Football

Football can be such a challenging sport to rank. There’s such a diverse group of builds and bodies. Maybe you’re into the slim, lean look of a quarterback or maybe you like your man big and bulky like the offensive lineman. To be honest, the only real position I know in football is the quarterback so I’m assuming the rest are big and bulky. Not for me, thanks.

4.Soccer

Soccer players are undeniably sizzling, but their plain jane status keeps them as solid middle tier. America’s soccer team lets the rest of the world take a shit on them every chance they can, except for the ladies (keep it up, girls). So college soccer is, by default, just as abhorrently average. When’s the last time someone genuinely cared about a win or loss? Not even their above mediocre looks can save them. Or maybe the next David Beckham goes to your college and I’m just a bitter bitch.

3.Basketball

Basketball guys are all six feet tall or taller, and as all girls know, height is sexy. This sport is producing nothing but yumminess (and guys with muscle mass) for days. Plus, on a lot of campuses, these guys are famous. Nothing like posing next to these guys at a daydrink to solidify your status as a D-list college athletics groupie, not that I’ve done that or anything.

2.Baseball

If one day I had woken up to discover a penis had replaced my lady parts, I am a firm believer that I would be an ass man (and as a girl blessed with tits, this pains me to say). Baseball players have the finest male donks I have ever seen. Maybe it’s just the tight white pants, but I’ve never seen so many fine asses than on a baseball field. For some reason, I don’t recall my high school team being anything but average in the looks department. College baseball turns the dial all the way up in attractiveness. Seriously, baseball guys, please let me hit a home run (get it…? #sports).

1.Lacrosse

Ahhh the crème de la crème. Is there a secret requirement that you have to be gorgeous and rich before you’re allowed to make it to the collegiate level? The flowy hair, the brilliant smiles, the defined bodies, give me a hot second to regain my composure. Ok, I’m back. Even though you probably have no idea what the flying fuck is happening, you know that behind those masks are true gods. In addition, lacrosse is the preppiest of all sports, so when the uniform comes off he’ll still look fine as hell in that blazer and bow tie.

Go sports!.

Popular on TSM

New Stories