It’s Friday of finals week at a lot of colleges, which means the packs of Adderall driven, coffee chugging, sleep deprived students have dwindled down significantly. By now, you can probably count the hours you’ve slept on one hand, you’ve finished all your Christmas shopping, and you’ve Facebook stalked your cousin’s ex’s little sister, because you didn’t even know she knew your friend Katie from summer camp. The people who surround you have simply run out of fucks to give, and they look like they’ve spent 32 days on the show “Survivor.”
It’s no secret that everyone hates finals, and colleges are finally taking measures to ensure that their student body doesn’t go entirely batshit insane from these tests. Instead of, you know, just taking the easy way out and getting rid of finals, schools are offering different “stress relievers,” ranging from free massages to goodie bags filled with candy and chocolates. Some schools even offer therapy dogs, where students can go to a room to pet and play with dogs to relieve stress. UNLV joined this list, in what I assume is an effort to avoid having its students take their stress out on the Vegas Strip, catching herpes and defaulting on their student loans before they even graduate. Apparently, earlier this week, you could “paws” your studying to cuddle and play with some therapy dogs in the library:
Listen, I love dogs. I’m literally lying right next to my dog right now while I type this. My Instagram is filled with pictures of him. I prefer to hang around him more than I do with most people. I’ve never met a dog I haven’t liked. I’m your typical girl who has to pet every dog that crosses her path–they are perfect and cute and just always so damn lovable. But when I’m about to drop on the floor in the fetal position due to stress, petting a dog just isn’t going to cut it. It’s kind of like walking in the rain without a hood or umbrella. When I wipe my face with my sleeve, yeah, my face will be dry for .2 seconds, but it’s going to get soaked right away. The stress is still there, and you have a whole two sections to learn before your final in one hour, shit, shit, shit! Also, colleges have all the resources to make college students feel really, um, relaxed.
Here’s what I think colleges should do for stress relievers:
- A room full of bubble wrap.
- Mimosas when I enter the library.
- Playing “Eye Of The Tiger” whenever students walk to their finals.
- A spreadsheet of everyone who sells Adderrall, including prices and milligrams.
- Someone handing out cold beer and/or tequila shots after every final.
- Soundproof rooms available for students to have loud, rough sex in.
- A study area offering room service, so if it’s 2 a.m. and I would like to enjoy cheese and crackers in the classroom I’m studying in, I can.
- A personal assistant to deal with anything unrelated to finals.
- Scheduled blunt breaks.
- Bartenders and baristas on every floor of the library.
- A database of YouTube videos organized by length, subject matter, and quality.
- Someone pushing a trolley cart of candy, soda, water, and snacks.
You know, just good, clean family-friendly stress relievers. Heck, you could even take the trolley idea and mix it with the dog idea: a traveling trolley filled with puppies you can cuddle and cry into, never having to leave your prime library spot. Just throwing that out there..