Remember where you were on this historic day, because in this moment, I can say it’s happened. Bros have finally gone too far. I don’t know when or why bro culture started taking on aggressively girly things and taking them on as their own. I first noticed it with a strange obsession that bros had with chick songs. But I think — I think it might be our fault.
I guarantee you played a Spice Girls song at a frat party 20 years ago, and those guys weren’t jamming out maniacally to it. But somewhere along the way, a dude out there started playing some girl jams, and guess what? We still fucked him. In fact, we encouraged it. We LOVED how funny and secure he was choreographing routines with his best friends to Taylor Swift and Carly Rae Jepsen.
When he started wearing aggressively short shorts “as a joke” as if to say “haha, bro, look, I’m so comfortable in my masculinity — here’s all this extra man thigh you should never have to see, because it’s white and pasty, haha, aren’t these funny?” we STILL fucked him. And we KEPT fucking him, so much so that Chubbies became a massive empire.
There used to be shame in ordering a #PinkDrink, but now dudes are charging the bar in hoards, like “don’t forget my mini umbrella,” and you know what? We still fucked them. We don’t care! Who are we to judge someone if they’re paying attention to us?
Look, I get it. It’s good that men are comfortable with their femininity or something like that. And people should like what they like. Except they don’t just come out and like what they like. They make a mockery out of it, and pretend they’re making fun of women and gay men by “ironically” liking things and making a joke out of everything, but through it all — we STILL. KEEP. FUCKING THEM.
And now, they’ve just next leveled themselves. With male rompers — “romphims.”
In a word: why?
Rompers, while adorable, are one of the least convenient creation to happen to fashion since, I don’t know, underwire? Creating one for men serves no purpose. It physically looks no different from a coordinating shorts/shirt set, which I can mildly fuck with on the right dude — like a trendy gay man. But this? It’s just too much! Only one of us should have clothes that are too difficult for the other to take off, and I, the vagina-haver, staked my claim in that LITERALLY years ago, when I purchase a leotard, the first time they were cool.
Still, in just a day, the kickstarter for Romphims — created by a group of bros who “were sitting around drinking beers one evening” when they came up with the fashion abomination we see before us today — has blown way past its $10,000 goal, with $21,000 being raised at the time of this writing, so it would appear that male rompers are happening. We can’t stop them, and by God, this may even have legs beyond the five-day viral attention they’re getting right now.
And what’s worse — what’s really worse — is that if a guy you like is wearing this ridiculous thing to ~be funny,~ it absolutely won’t stop you from fucking him. Thanks a lot, everyone. You blew it. Pun intended..
Nice Move151
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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