When I was growing up my best friend had an older sister in high school who kept a journal archiving her hookups in all their juicy detail. We called it the Sex Bible. Now that we’re older and (sexually) wiser, there exists a different kind of sex bible known as Cosmopolitan. Cosmo is like a train wreck in the fact that it’s really, really hard to swallow, but most sorority women (myself included) flip through its God-awful bullshit on a monthly basis. Based on useless statistics (99% of dudes would LOVE it if you surprised them with oral in the shower! Fucking OBVIOUSLY), and even more useless observations (Justin and Selena are totes in sync emotionally because their strides are like, the same length! No, Cosmo. Just no). If you are a grown woman who can’t seduce her man without consulting a magazine I suggest you find the closest example of “oncoming traffic” and walk into the middle of it. Besides, if you needed advice on giving the perfect beej you could have just DM’ed me on Twitter.
Here are some gems from the latest issue…from now on, Good Housekeeping will be the only magazine on my nightstand.
1. “48% of guys would prefer a passionate smooch with tongue at midnight on NYE, opposed to a peck or no tongue.”
NO TONGUE? Is he your little brother? I’d hope you’d slip the poor guy some tongue for the most important kiss of the year. It’s been a long time since we did that whole graduating-from-elementary-school thing you fucking loser. The other option was “an aggressive kiss with lip biting.” That has its time and place but you’re probably in a classy dress with lots of people around, so calm down.
2. “48% of guys think it’s okay for a girl to store anything at his place, even tampons!”
First of all, what’s with the 48%? Second of all, what the fuck guys are they polling here? Certainly not college fraternity guys. Store perfume, deodorant, toothbrushes, five kinds of face creams and a box of tampons at the frat castle and he will lose your number faster than you can pronounce “GTFO, PSYCHO.”
3. “To lock down a guy’s love…rub his shoulders, put your hand on his chest, make eye contact, and run your fingers through his hair.”
OMG, REALLY!? I should physically touch my boyfriend in affectionate ways and look him in the eye when I speak to him? Thanks Cosmo. That advice is life-changing! Wait, while we’re on the topic, should I touch his penis too, or keep that to a minimum?
4. “Capricorn Men have a sensitive side and hate being teased. Make a joke about his fugly t-shirt in front of his friends, and he’ll secretly wonder if you’re really the one for him.”
But by all means, if your guy is an Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, or Sagittarius, blatantly insult him around his bros. See where that gets ya (spoiler alert: not to formal).
Last but not least, the token monthly “Kinky sex something-or-other” article. This one literally said you should have your boyfriend put a condom on a popsicle and stick it in you. What the fuck? If you feel the need to incorporate popsicles into sex you’re not having good enough sex. That’s fucking weird, and also sticky. Later on in the same article it suggests that you stick your hand down his pants in the corner of a dark dive bar. Ah Cosmo, you tricksters. You’ve been spying on some mixers haven’t you!? Kidding. Shut the fuck up.