Cosmo Sex Tips: Revamped

Cosmopolitan: The magazine that every man loves to hate. I don’t understand why, exactly, it elicits such a strange emotional response, but then I ran into “99 Sex Questions Answered in 20 Words or Less” and began to understand. We can learn some very good things there, but there is also a lot of sex advice that is just not quite right. Here I have taken the liberty of commenting on the most egregious errors I found in that particular piece.

14. What can I use to tie up my guy? Tights. A scarf. His tie, your lacy thong…There is a ton of bondage gear in your closet
First and foremost, do not ruin your tights or undergarments by stretching them out tying a dude up. Use a tie. Bow ties, are preferred and tying them perfectly will earn you some bonus points.

16. What’s the secret to giving a great hand job? Lube. Wet both palms and gently twist them as you move up and down his shaft.
Wait, what? If you are in a situation where lube is readily accessible, the best way to give a hand job is with your mouth. They have been practicing this shit since they were 13. Just don’t even bother. The one exception to the no-handy rule is the OTPHJ in a semi public place, which even still, I’m not so into, because it results in jizz in his pants. I tend to reserve them for the cab ride back to his place just to get all systems go.

19. What’s a hot thing to do after sex? Give each other sensual massages.
Normally, I’d just suggest sleep. He (and you) have just exerted a lot of effort and energy if you’re doing things right, so you’re going to be tired…Plus he just got off, so he probably doesn’t really want to touch you for the next 30 minutes. However, if you really want to impress him, make him the oh-so-coveted post-sex sandwich. If he was not so excellent, use a warm, damp towel for some veeeeery gentle clean-up, and if need be, go home to your trusty right hand/back massager. That’s very hot.

30. What can I say that will really turn him on during sex? You make me feel so good.
Of all possible things, that was what the Cosmo writers picked as the best way to give the sexual equivalent of the athletic ass slap? The fact that he is having sex with you should already really turn him on, but really anything about how he is the best ever, complimenting his man parts, he makes you want to paint a thousand coolers, etc.

46. If I don’t want to kiss my boyfriend immediately after he performs oral sex on me, what should I do? Kiss other parts of his body- his neck, lower stomach…
This goes for men and women alike…Quit being such a little bitch about it. If you think it’s too gross to have in your mouth, why should someone else have to?

48. Is it true some guys like you to use your teeth during oral? Yes, but test it out first by lightly grazing your teeth over his shaft to gauge his response.
This is a BY REQUEST ONLY thing. Do not just test it out on your own. I admit, I have been asked to give said toothy beej, and then I told him to quit jacking off so hard and then I guess his nerve endings returned to the surface. Should you just try this on your own, he’s going to get quite upset about it. Like suddenly leave bed and go to the bathroom upset.

51. What can I do after I tie him up? Kiss him up and down.
Again, wrong. He is now your hostage and will do literally anything for you to get him off. Finalize formal plans, ask him if that dress you wore last week really did make you look fat, ask him how much he loves you, etc. Go wild! Then if he is still feeling into it after you got what you wanted out of him, tease the ever-loving shit out of him with your body instead of your words.

56. I don’t swallow after going down on him. What’s the alternative? Keep a box of tissues nearby; grab one and discreetly spit into it.
This is something I do not think I will ever understand. Why on earth would you choose the route that exposes jizz to the maximum number of taste buds? Just have him in the back of your throat and swallow it and I swear the taste won’t be as bad. Or don’t let it in your mouth…let him shoot it wherever the hell guys are into these days, then zero taste at all. Spitters are quitters.

59. I get really wet during sex. Anything wrong? No.
I would really like to meet the chicks who are asking these questions. I have the sexual experience of your average junior in high school, but I have some common sense. Read a book or something, woman.

63. What’s the best food to bring into the bedroom? The classic. A can of whipped cream. Cover your body with it and have him lick it off.
First and foremost, canned whipped cream and cool whip are tools of the devil. Any whipped cream needs to involve a bowl, a stand mixer, and heavy cream. Second, I have already said the best food to bring in is a sandwich, but I suppose beforehand you could feed him grapes like an ancient roman.

75. How do I get him to slow the pace when he’s on top? Press your hand against his butt to slow him down.
There’s no reason not to use your words. “Slow down, champ, I need to be able to walk at least a little bit tomorrow” seems to be the nice and flattering way. I’ve also utilized “Jesus fucking Christ, what are you trying to do to me, OW!” which got the point across but kind of killed the mood. I feel that their advice could easily be misinterpreted into a request for the exact opposite.

86. How can I make oral sex mind blowing? Tie your hair back so he can watch, and make noise.
Besides the obvious exclusion of eye contact, this is exactly what you need to do to blow his mind: Find your sluttiest gay friend, and ask him to teach you everything he knows. You’re going to hear things you did not know were physically possible, and your guy is going to friggen love it.

92. How do I let him know I’m into spanking? Spank him first.
See I don’t think this is how the plays on dominance work. You might find he likes being the bad bad boy who needs a spanking. This is why you are schtupping a fraternity man, though: he is really good at this. Wait for him to grab your ass, awkwardly touch it by accident, whatever. Then say “You can swing a paddle, I know you can do better than that!” However, normally guys will test the waters of spanking on their own…if you don’t oppose, they’ll continue.

99. How can I use a vibrator on my guy? Use a bullet (not one that resembles a penis) on the base of his shaft while giving him oral.
Can we just have a moment of silence for any guy who has had a penis shaped vibrator brought out without warning and just a “no ignore what it looks like, you’ll love it” in response to his horror? Otherwise I guess it’s sound advice, never tried it.

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