Countdown To Commencement: Syllabus Week

Drinking finals

Post a selfie to Snapchat because it’s your last first day of school! You have to go to classes this week, but you just have to be physically present. Monday and Tuesday will consist of your professor half-ass explaining the syllabus so you can’t accuse them of not going over anything in the future, then Wednesday and Thursday will be review from a previous class or material that you’ll cover again next week. And if you have class on Fridays, you fucked up. There’s nothing else to it. The best part of syllabus week, however, has nothing to do with syllabi or even school. It’s the 10 day binge drink challenge that syllabus week allows for. Assuming you came back the weekend before classes started, your bender starts off the Thursday before classes start until the Saturday that brings syllabus week to an end. Everyone is back from a restful winter break and is ready to reconnect with friends and drink more than medically advisable.

You get a notification on your phone from your social chair. She has scheduled a pregame with a different fraternity every night of syllabus week. Challenge accepted. You immediately start sending out “am I going to see you ______ night?” to prospects in each chapter. Since you only have one semester left, you’re going to have to get a head start on getting some sugar from all the guys who’ve secretly had crushes on you since freshman year biology or whatever.

Monday Night: You have your ~real~ classes on Tuesday and a whole week to drink, so you pace yourself. Your social chair scheduled the least fun frat on this day, so it’ll be a good chance to get sentence-long reviews of everyone’s break for you to listen to and then immediately forget.

Tuesday Night: You were not nearly drunk enough last night and it’s twofers at your favorite bar, so hold on to your tits and bits, you are about to black out hard and make out with a random dude even harder.

Wednesday Night: This is the only night that it is remotely acceptable to not drink (a lot). Tonight you have a pregame with a frat that you’re close with, so it won’t be weird if you just go and have a talking beer. You can use this night to recuperate to make sure you don’t miss anything for the rest of the week.

Thursday Night: This is the night that you wear your freshest outfit. The official start of the last first weekend of your college career will get you hella likes on Instagram if you play your cards right. Everyone will be stepping out in their hottest cold-weather clothing, and you can’t let yourself fall behind. Throw on a fur vest and some dark lipstick and go out like the paparazzi are following you.

Friday Night: The pregame tonight is with the hottest frat on campus, so it’s definitely a tequila night. You need to show them that you are the perfect kind of crazy. Trust. Then it’s time to take it to the dance floor to show off your moves to trick one of them into going home with you. Or the top of the bar, whichever is closer.

Saturday Night: You woke up this morning feeling like your soul has seeped out of every orifice of your body, but you have to prevail. You must prevail. This is the last chance that you will be able to do this bullshit. Drink tons of water today, you’re going to need it.

If you can get through this syllabus week, you can get through anything. At least you hope.

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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