Crazy Bitch Contest, You’re In First Place

Crazy Bitch Contest, You're In First Place

As a single sorority girl, it may sound a bit contradictory for me to be questioning anything relationship related, but as an outsider and witness, I felt a perspective was necessary. I am talking about the C-word. Crazy. As in being that crazy girlfriend, or slampiece, or the just plain crazy girl that he calls when he blacks out for some kind of fast food delivery and you consider it a “thing.” As I’ve been scrolling through the TSM wall lately, words such as “marriage,” “kids” and “wedding” have been snatching my attention quicker than Nordy’s Anniversary Sale email.

I mean, I get as daydreamy as the rest of y’all when I’m 200 something pins deep on my wedding board in the middle of my journalism lecture, but I know that there’s a fine line between fantasy and downright obsession. I’ve been with a few guys here and there for extended periods of time, and of course I’ve thought about marriage and all that, but never actually said anything about it. Need I remind you, you’re still in college. We are young, gorgeous, thin and still socially allowed to get blacked out a few times a week via upside-down pineapple shots. The second the word “marriage” becomes a part of your life, you’re only allowed to do that like once a week. Maybe. What happened to living and loving your youth? What is the giant hurry to be so tied down all of a sudden? I understand how much you love your perfectly styled boyfriend, but have you run those wedding plans by him yet?

To our lovely, handsome, manly, charming frat daddies: we adore you, we really do. We think it’s almost kind of cute that you can chug a beer in under 4 seconds. (Heavy emphasis on the word almost.) And honestly, yes, occasionally we do think about marrying you (mainly during class when we’ve refreshed Twitter over 30 times already). BUT if a girl is literally speaking to you about a wedding or kids or anything in that nature, I shouldn’t even have to tell you this, but RUN. Run your sweet ass as far as you can. Girls who are imagining the color of their dress to match your bowtie for formal is normal. Girls who are telling you how great your monogram would look after you’ve been slamming for a few months are C-R-A-Z-Y. But men, be wary, there’s nothing we hate more than being called the C-word. Just like you can’t deal with the other C-word: Commitment. We can deal with “bitch.” We can deal with “snobby bitch.” But being called crazy is right up there with being called fat. It’s just a zone you, as a man, can’t enter. Ever.

This is our fault as girls. We know that we’re sorta allowed to be kinda crazy, so we push our limits. However, pushing the limits doesn’t justify using the words “baby shower” or “bridesmaids” around men. Girls. Stop it. Just stop it. You are so much better than to make up ridiculous marriage schemes and then your poor man with ridiculous futuristic planning. Remember when you were in high school and that one couple that was sure they would last all the way through college broke up the Tuesday of syllabus week, and how hard you laughed at them? Not trying to smash your hopes and dreams here, just trying to make them a bit more realistic for a COLLEGE STUDENT.

So, words of advice to both genders here. Ladies, stop posting on social networking sites about how great your babies would look when you’ve met him once. Hashtagging “subtweet” doesn’t make it anonymous when your entire sorority and now his entire fraternity know who you’re talking about. Men, figure out how to tell us there is no fucking way you’re even thinking about marriage, in the nicest way possible.

Here’s what both parties will win. Girls! You will win a (maybe) semester’s worth of guilt free sex, possibly a free meal or two, invites to formals/date parties/retreats and 45,238 t-shirts from all those events. Men! You will win more sex, blow jobs and public makouts than you ever thought possible because you’re just “omgggg like SO nice.” Basically girls, you are in college. These are the best and freest years of your life. Stop holding out on guys who have given marriage maybe a total of 8 seconds of thought in their entire life. We are sorority girls, damn it, and we were literally crafted by the hands of God to make the party (world) blonder, tanner and maybe just a little more sexually tense when your ex-boyfriend walks in.

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Majored in bad language, bad decisions and bad jokes. Usually fucking things up or knocking things over.

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