I hate dating. It’s probably my least favorite thing of all time. Having small talk with someone I don’t find interesting at all (which is everyone) makes me want to bash my head against a brick wall. Multiple times.
If you are anything like me, you know that no one will ever been good enough for you so you don’t want to waste your time dating. But there are some pros that come with dating. Like, getting dick. So here are some dates you can go on when you hate dating but desperately need to get laid.
The Movies
I know this is usually a “first date” no-no because when you’re watching a movie, you can’t have meaningful conversation or get to know someone, but that’s what makes it the perfect date, in my opinion. You don’t even have to look at them in the face if you don’t want to. If you find your date attractive, you can hopefully snag a quick feel up in the theater without even having to speak one word to him. Or even kiss him. Hold hands and enjoy the movie, because I’m sure the plot is more interesting than anything he’d have to say anyway.
Lunch
If you are grabbing a meal, lunch is the ideal date to go on because it’s in the middle of the day and you have no time to waste. Lunch places are usually really quick with food, so you don’t have to sit there uncomfortably for too long. Also, when you go on a date in the middle of the day, you can always say you have an obligation anywhere from one to two hours after you meet. Making it quick and painless. They won’t text you again until that night because they don’t want to be clingy or overbearing (and if they do text you run for the hills because they are clingy and overbearing). So like I was saying, they’ll text you just in time to get a quick smash before sleep. Brilliant.
The Bar
Obviously, getting drunk is the ideal date because it morphs your reality into thinking you are having the time of your life. Also, if you are on a date with a guy who is decent at all, he will pay for all your drinks. If you want to get laid, getting intoxicated with a guy is always a step in the right direction. Or if you don’t want to get laid, make sure he gets drunk enough to have whiskey dick and you are home free.
Getting Coffee
A shorter alternative to the lunch date. All of the same rules apply. You will probably need to go on at least one lunch date to make it to the coffee date, because it is much shorter and would honestly feel like a waste of time if that was your first date. My advice is to go on one lunch date, then resort to the coffee dates. Twenty-thirty-minute maximum time. You can muscle through awkward conversation for that long, right?
I can’t think of any more dates because that’s how limited my dating capacity is. I know it’s so dreadfully painful and human interaction is your least favorite thing, but if you can find the power to survive, you can at least get a good orgasm out of it eventually. If only there was a way to get off without a parter. Oh yeah, vibrators. Now we really don’t need no man..
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