So, you’ve met him. Mr. Wonderful. Or at least Mr. Not-Fucking-Terrible. He’s cute-ish, nice-ish, and rich-ish, like every other guy in the world, but there is something special about him. Something different. Something that most college girls only dream of…he wants to take you on a real live date, like before 10pm. Wow. What a guy. Upon receiving the “so, when am I going to get to take you to dinner” text, you immediately start finalizing your list of bride’s maids and designing floral arrangements. I hope he likes the idea of a Fall wedding. If your dating experience is anything like mine, the remainder of your wedding planning season, or as some people might call it, the days leading up to a singular date which may or may not ever result in anything, will go like this.
Sunday:
You decide, well, he decides because he’s the man and you shouldn’t be trusted with decisions (not that you’d want to in this case anyway), to go to some high-end restaurant for dinner and wine this Friday. Ah! Friday! A little soon, you only have five days to tell everyone you know, plan out the perfect I-look-awesome-but-it’s-totally-casual-and-I-DEFINITELY-didn’t-try-too-hard outfit, and finish writing your vows, but you’ll make do. He’ll pick you up around 8. All is well. It sounds like it’s going to be a perfect date. You’re totally stoked.
Monday:
After texting for awhile, he assures you how excited he is to meet you for dinner on Friday at 9. Hmm…meet up? I thought he said he was going to pick you up. And you could have sworn he said 8. This is done so cleverly and meticulously that you almost don’t notice the slight change of plans and assume he is just being a guy so he doesn’t notice the change at all. You don’t say anything because it’s not really a big deal and you’re really excited that he’s going to take you out. That’s what matters, right? WRONG-O. The second he starts changing things up, it’s safe to assume he is a scheming asshole. He knows what he’s doing. You can cancel the wedding at this point, and if you were smart, you’d just cancel the evening as well. Perhaps that seems pessimistic, but if he’s switching up the plans, chances are he’s not to be trusted.
Wednesday:
“So are we still on for drinks and apps on Friday? We can meet up around 10.” WOAHHHH. Drinks and apps at ten are DEFINITELY not dinner and wine at 8. Should you say something? Well no shit, you SHOULD say something. But, as the week has progressed, you’ve built him up from that so-so guy you met at the bar to the most perfect man alive, perfect to you anyway, your soulmate, everything you’ve ever wanted and more. Guys like this don’t come along too often. You don’t want to rock the boat. So do you say something? Of course not. Just like he’s doing, you pretend that these were the plans all along, even though the nature of your evening has completely changed. Besides, it still counts as an official date, and you really don’t want to pass that up.
Thursday:
Thursday is the kicker, and the moment you decide exactly how desperate you are. Thursday he will text you something like: “Hey, so [some band] is playing at [some bar] tomorrow night! It’s going to be huge! They’re having sick drink specials, everyone is going to be there. Wanna just meet up there tomorrow night instead?” Your naive little heart just broke into a million little pieces. I told you he couldn’t be trusted. After all you two have been through together, how could he do this to you? If you’re a “I-don’t-take-no-shit-from-nobody” kinda gal, you’ll politely say something along the lines of “see ya never.” But if you’re like, a freshman, or newly single, or just haven’t been penetrated in awhile, you’re willing to ignore this minor disappointment, and perhaps you’ll even believe that he really did have plans to take you on an actual date all along (you’d be wrong, but you might believe that). You were planning on going to this event that he and you just could NOT pass up after your date tomorrow night anyway, so you might as well tell him you’ll meet up with him there.
Friday:
Typically, the plans from Thursday to Friday will remain the same. You’ll get drunk, go wherever, and depending on your moods, you’ll meet up at some point during the night. Not quite the date you were hoping for, but at least there is a boy to pine for. However, in some cases, there is a final stage. It’s usually more of a summer/winter break/(post-grad) phenomenon, but I’ve seen it happen more times than one and it does occasionally happen at school. You’re still pumped about going to this new place with this new guy (or this old place with this new guy). You’re going to get all dressed up which happens significantly less frequently at places that aren’t campus. And then he sends you the final douche text. “Hey, do you actually just want to come over tonight? We can drink here and watch a movie.” Ummm……NO! You might think this is nice…it isn’t. It’s awkward, and schemey. How did dinner and wine at a nice restaurant at a normal I’d-like-to-be-seen-with-you-in-public hour transform into you getting me wasted in your house alone at 11pm in an attempt to later defile me. How the hell did I get here?
The thing that gets me about all this, is that because he initially LIED to you about what the plans were going to be, and changed them so gradually, it becomes increasingly difficult to back out. He knows you’re available, because your plans all week long have been with him. And now YOU look like the asshole for canceling at the last minute. It’s the smartest, douchiest thing I’ve ever seen happen, countless times. I really don’t even know how so many different guys come up with it, but they ALL do. I feel like there’s some sort of asshole convention they all attend with seminars on how to properly dick girls over. But…as much as I love to chalk it all up to “guys are assholes” that’s kind of unfair. The signs were there from the beginning, and I/you/every girl I know chose not to say anything. So, I’m left to conclude, that guys are only assholes because girls are so dumb.
Nice Move356
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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