Dear Bitter, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

I know. I get it. I have been you before. You’re racking your brain trying to figure out what it is I have that you don’t. The truth? Probably not much. You’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re whatever-the-fuck. I’m sure you’re a good person, deep down. But based on your recent behavior, one thing you aren’t is mentally stable. And the one thing you don’t have anymore? Him. His attention, his affection, or anything else. So it’s time to give up.

Things don’t work out between two people for all kinds of reasons. Maybe he got bored and didn’t feel the spark anymore. Maybe your hometowns are too far apart, your eyes are too far apart, your hair is the wrong color, the sex was mediocre, or his Little thinks you’re annoying. Maybe his Venus was in retrograde and your astrological signs clashed. Who knows? I certainly don’t. Other than the fact that you have a bad dye job and could afford to lose a few, I don’t even know you and I don’t care to. Things that don’t matter to me? You, the child labor laws in Uganda, and the past. Things that do? Me, MY boyfriend, and the here-and-now.

Personally, when a guy is clearly not interested, I cut my losses and move on. I happened to have scored a perfect 10 on the TSM Daddy Issues quiz, meaning I know that I have a lot to offer. If a guy doesn’t see that then it wasn’t meant to be, and there’s another guy just around the corner who will. And if there’s not? Cool, I’ll have fun being single and going out with my girlfriends, so, BYE! It’s called being secure. Go on and try it! Hanging on to what isn’t there anymore makes you look pathetic. Sending e-mails and texts detailing how much you love him makes you look desperate. Anything along the lines of “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME!?!?” or “WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU LOVE HER???” makes you look like a sociopath. Stop it.

Also, here’s the thing……insulting me is not going to bring him back to you. Like I said, WE DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER. You can call me a dumb moron/slut/bitch/whatever other convoluted insult you come up with as much as you want, but it will only make you look bitter, and really mean. I never insulted you, and I genuinely respect what you used to have (although mostly, I respect the fact that it’s over). Like I said, I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve hated perfectly nice girls that I didn’t know solely because they were with my ex. Not good for the psyche, and I didn’t get the guy in the end. Spoiler alert: you won’t either. Pop some Prozac, max out your credit card, do whatever it is you need to do to get over the big split, but leave him alone and quit slandering me. You’re consumed with envy and green is not a good color on you.

So, good luck, and good riddance! BYE!

Follow me on twitter: @pinniespearls

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