Dear Santa, I Can Explain

Dear Santa, I Can Explain

Dear Santa,

There’s a fine line between naughty and nice. I know I ride that line pretty hard, but in college, you can condone just about anything you do as long as there’s someone doing something worse, and there always is.

So, maybe I went out excessively a little, but I (almost) always made it to class the next day! I was consistently ten minutes late to my first class, but that’s better than the guy who always came in halfway through, reeking of marijuana and wasted potential. I Tinder shamelessly and with reckless abandon. There’s really no excuse for that, but everyone does it, and I’m finally single, so I just want to enjoy it, okay?!?! I may give a fake name to guys in bars sometimes, but lying is totally acceptable if he’s creepy, right?

Most of my poor life choices aren’t even my fault. Marla, my drunken alter ego, is totally responsible for the majority of my shitshow-ery. She really needs to stop BOMO’ing on dance floors, eating her roommates’ food at 3am, and taking the bait and responding to raunchy Snapchats from her freshman year ex who TOTALLY has a girlfriend.

I’ve been nice a few times this year, too. I held a total stranger’s hair back for her in a bar bathroom last week. I put everything I borrowed from the test bank back. I tell people when they’re looking particularly dapper that day. That right there negates like, 80% of my unsavory behavior and makes me deserving of presents. Here’s what I’d like:

1. Everything I’ve ever pinned on Pinterest
2. Jennifer Lawrence’s personality. If I were more like her, maybe I wouldn’t need the…
3. Xanax
4. One of those magical wine-dispensing machines, so I can have wine on tap in my house and possibly never have to leave again.
5. A house for next year that’s equidistant from campus and the bars
6. A pony and someone to take care of the pony, because I can barely take care of myself, much less a pony.
7. The remains of my dignity (check by the Big Kahuna Mansion hot tub in Gatlinburg Falls Resort)
8. A lower alcohol tolerance
9. More self-control regarding men in Chubbies, using my iPad in class for everything but taking notes, impulse buying sequined clothing, immediately saying whatever comes to mind regardless of how inappropriate it is, and margarita pitchers

If you come through on all of this, Santa, I will totally step up my nice game for 2014. I’ll be less sarcastic. I’ll stop asking girls who annoy me what sorority they’re in (when I know they’re not in a sorority) as a passive aggressive assertion of dominance. I’ll call my dad just to say hi, rather than to ask for money. I’ll stop telling guys at the bar “One sec. I’m going to use the restroom” and then never returning. I’ll go with something more straightforward like “You do not appeal to me” or the She’s The Man classic “Girls with asses like mine don’t talk to guys with faces like yours” which may not seem nice but it is being honest and upfront, which is nice. I’ll delete Tinder — who am I kidding, my ego loves that shit — I’ll cut down on Tinder. I’ll stop wishing violent deaths on the longboarders/skateboarders who almost run me over everyday. I will even stop telling people that my ex’s new girlfriend looks like the love child of Family Guys’ Glenn Quagmire and a sloth (even though she totally does, it’s crazy).

This is a golden deal. I get what I want (presents), and you get what you want (a teense more niceness in the world). Or I can offer the deal to my parents. Your call. Capitalism is a beautiful thing.



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