Did You Make Out With Him: An Investigation

Did You Make Out With Him: An Investigation

I recently ran into a bartender who I knew my freshman year. From what I recall, we had some mutual friends and a shit load of sexual tension. What I couldn’t remember, however, was whether or not we actually did anything about it. I mean, I know we didn’t bone, but did he shove his tongue down my throat when I was drunk? Half of me wants to say “duh,” but the other half of me might have just been too hammered to remember, and my friends don’t remember either, so they’re useless. Who knows? What I do know is that he isn’t the first dude that I’ve questioned whether or not we’ve mouth-banged. So being the curious makeout whore that I am, and who I’m sure some of you are too, I’ve decided to make a roadmap to figure out who you have made out with when you consumed so many spirits to the point of alcohol-related amnesia.

What Kind Of Alcohol Were You Drinking?

•Beer: If all you were drinking was beer, it’s unlikely that you made out with this guy. If you mixed beer with some other booze, well, that’s a game-changer.
•Wine: First of all, who the fuck drinks wine when they go out? If you don’t have any other alcohol, then that’s acceptable. But chances are you did not make out with him because he was certain that you thought you were too ~classy~ with your boxed-wine to lock lips with a random person.
•Whiskey: You had a rough few weeks. Times were hard. Desperate times called for desperate measures. You needed a warm mouth to put your lips on. And there he was, giving you the attention you needed. So yes, you made out with him to get over your problems.
•Vodka: Vodka goes one of two ways. You either get really flirty/horny or you are living your best life and don’t even give a shit about boys.
•Tequila: There’s no doubt about it. You swapped dry tequila-infused spit with him.

Was He In Your Group?

•Yes: If he was glued to your side all night, then obviously you kissed the fool. If he was just in your friend group, then there are no guarantees. He might not have wanted to make things weird with the rest of the squad.
•No: Again, if he was following you around like a puppy, whether he was in your group or not, you two played tonsil hockey. If you just casually ran into him for a little while, then you need to take into account how much booze you encountered and how your hormones were reacting to his presence.

How Hot Is He Sober? (Attractive scale from 1-10; 10 being sexy AF)

•1-4 Level of Attractiveness: Man, oh, man is it a funny/horrific story to tell when you find out you sucked face with a guy whose Instagram is filled with pictures that bring you to an emotional breakdown. Chances are, no, you did not make out with Mr. Manbun in red sneakers.

•5-7 Level of Attractiveness: Here is when things like organizations and bank accounts factor in. Does your sorority mesh well with his fraternity? Is he a geed? Does his bank account make you want to rope him into sharing it with him? If you are content with the answers to the majority of the questions, then yes. You enjoyed some alone (or public) time with him. If you didn’t like what he had to offer besides his mediocre looks and attitude, then nah. You probably left homeboy hanging.

•8-10 Level of Attractiveness: Now you need to measure in your flirting expertise with how well your makeup paired with the top you wore that would fit Emily, your five-year-old cousin. If you passed his test, snaps to you for trapping such a stud.

Where Were You?

•Frat Castle: If you are in his territory, then he is comfortable nailing any morally loosened chick that throws herself at him, and that includes you. Granted, you might just be kissing, not necessarily moving to second or third base. But, frat houses are almost guaranteed makeout spots.

•Bar Hopping: Doubtful. You’re less likely to make out in a bar than in a frat house or any other party. It’s less intimate and there aren’t rooms to sneak off into.

If this led you to believe that you did make out with him, hopefully congratulations are in order. If not, I can only either say there’s always time to try again, or good job escaping that mess.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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