The nation’s most debatable subjects–such as religion, politics, and education–are no match for the biggest controversy our country faces: Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi? Many men and women have lost their lives fighting this heinous battle, and it simply cannot go on any longer. Using only the most prestigious categories to judge, we can finally put this debate to rest and pick a winner. Buckle up, ladies. We’re discussing a hard-hitting issue.
Colors
Pulling at the heartstrings of the American people, it would be unpatriotic if Diet Pepsi didn’t beat out Diet Coke. I mean, their color scheme is red, white, and blue. Might as well just consider yourself a communist for choosing a Diet Coke rather than the Old Glory scheme of Diet Pepsi. God bless America. And diet soda.
Winner: Diet Pepsi
Spokesperson
It’s almost sad that Diet Coke’s newest endorser, Taylor Swift, has to go toe-to-toe with Sofia Vergara. That poor, whiny blonde doesn’t stand a chance to Sofia’s bountiful curves and incoherent accent. Not only does Taylor lose to someone undeniably better looking, but Sophia also has the charisma of the girl every guy wishes you were. You’re lucky I’m not counting this as two losses, Taylor.
Winner: Diet Pepsi
Design
While Diet Pepsi may win in the color category, Diet Coke’s cool and modern style beats out Diet Pepsi’s bland design, which hasn’t changed in years. That’s like showing up to the bars in tennis shoes and Norts–it’s cute the first time, but more than once is just sad. Time to step up your game and update your style, Diet Pepsi. I saw Diet Coke wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops.
Winner: Diet Coke
Theme Potential
There is nothing better than a good theme party, and there is a clear winner in this category. Diet Pepsi must have missed the boat on dressing up for the holidays. Or maybe they’re just too overshadowed by Diet Coke’s winter wonderland extravaganza. The trademark snowflake can in the winter not only symbolizes the holiday season, but also is a great accessory to your winter-themed wardrobe. Bonus points for saving polar bears.
Winner: Diet Coke
Availability
A big factor in the winner is how easy is it to get your caffeine-fiendish hands all over this delicious drink. A pretty obvious winner in this round, how often have you heard, “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” If it was okay I would have asked for it in the first place, genius. Take a lap, Diet Coke, you’re nowhere to be found.
Winner: Diet Pepsi
Variety
Women are complex creatures and we cannot be hindered by one selection of soda. I mean, just take a look at your rap sheet of dudes. Coke has more than 10 varieties of just their diet soda ranging from lime, cherry vanilla, and one even made with Splenda–because Diet Coke has too many calories? Whatever. Diet Pepsi falls short and needs to diversify its brand a little bit more, because you’re a lady with ever changing needs. Having the ability to select is nice.
Winner: Diet Coke
Overall Style
Pageants use this category when judging contestants and even they get away with idiocracies like this. The overall presence of a product can take it above and beyond just a beverage. And that is exactly what Diet Coke has done. The Diet Coke can is somewhat of a staple in the young female population’s wardrobe, and nothing goes better with your clothes than a little black and silver can.
Winner: Diet Coke
Image via Sara Mincy
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Babe Lincoln
Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."
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