Does Anyone Actually Like Hiking?


Scrolling through Instagram in the summer, I’m constantly surprised by how many scenic photos I come across. Of course the term “scenic” is used rather loosely. What I really mean is, “sorority girl pretends to be one with nature.” In times like these, we have to ask ourselves the hard hitting questions:

Does anyone actually like hiking? Unless you’re the sporty type, or you shop at Free People, the answer to this question should be a resounding no. It’s the photo of the back of a girl’s head, wearing last year’s formal shirt, throwing what she knows. In fact, I’ve yet to see most of the actual backdrop. So why is it every time they show up in my feed, I get the unexplainable urge to go climb a rock?

And you’re not fooling anyone. There could be several reasons why you really have your back turned to the camera ~overlooking the scenery.~ One possibility is you have amazing hair. The second possibility is you forgot nature doesn’t have AC and your foundation is now on your sleeve. Or, you were wise enough not to wear makeup and are cleverly hiding your face. You and I both know that minutes before that photo was taken, you were debating if being eaten by bears would be worth making it to the top. I’d also bet that this “hike” was the most cardio you’ve done in months. I’m right there with you.

No doubt your caption was some variation of “not all who wander are lost,” or #wanderlust. Considering you probably just discovered what dirt is, I’m going to take a wild guess and say you were never lost. In fact, I’m willing to bet you can see the parking lot from the top. So what is this call of the wild everyone is hearing? What makes perfectly sane women trade in wifi for hiking boots?

Is it for boys? Because boys are not, and will never be, an excuse to go hiking. I guarantee there are far sexier things to a guy than going on a date with a girl trying to bear crawl up the side of a mountain. Does he want to be seduced by our natural musk? You have been warned.

Is it for sisterhood? Every spring my chapter insists on having sisterhood retreat in the woods. But last I checked, forcing a 100+ girls to spend their Saturday night sober in the woods discussing their feelings around a campfire was and is still a recipe for disaster. Throw in some cabins without cell reception and you have the makings of a B-rated horror movie.

So to all you lying Instagrammers out there, do yourselves a favor and stop pretending you’re not completely miserable in the woods. Stop pretending kale chips are real food. Stop pretending you made it past the Brownie level of Girl Scouts, and that you know anything remotely resembling survival skills. Most importantly, stop tricking each other into spend time outdoors.

In the words of Ronald Reagan, “If you’ve seen one tree, you’ve seen them all.” Let’s leave hiking to the bears.

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Snarky Srat

My hobbies and interests include everything that won't make me money. Now accepting rich husband applications.

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