I’m just going to jump right into it: When I was in elementary school, I hated wearing underwear. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how it started. Possibly it was a sign of some sort of deep psychological issues, or maybe I just liked the feel of the ugly velvet pants I wore everyday rubbing against my skin. Whatever the reason, I just like, never wore underwear.
And then, eventually, I realized that that was weird. Maybe I was at a sleepover and had to change in front of my friends, or maybe when the whole “going to the bathroom with a group of girls to gossip about the other girls who aren’t in the bathroom” thing started, I realized that my secret would no longer be a secret. Eventually, I stopped running around with my vagina lips flapping and donned underwear like a lady. And honestly? I have never looked back.
And then, well, I grew up. And with growing up comes the realization that being sexy is a whole thing. I guess I just thought when you get old enough and become a woman, you’re beautiful and seductive and sexy and bam! That’s it. It turns out, however, that that is not how that shit works. You have to fucking try. Which is not something any of us were told growing up.
Anyway, the point is, trying to figure out how to be “sexy” is different for everyone. I mean, plenty of people don’t even want to be sexy and that’s fine. More power to you. But plenty of people *do* want to be sexy, and figuring out how to do that in a way that is still ~true~ to yourself can be a challenge. So, many of us say “fuck it,” pick up a magazine or read an article with tips and call it a day.
And most of them are pretty self-explanatory. “Have confidence! Take pride in your appearance! Rock a bold lip!” But the one that I see time and time again that I can not, for the life of me, wrap my head around, is going commando.
A trick as old as the book itself (the dating book? The Bible? Harry Potter? Idk. Pick a book), not wearing underwear has been viewed as a sign of sensuality for as long as I’ve been reading stupid advice on how to be sexy. Rocking a tight dress? Ditch the underwear. Wearing white? So long, thong. Just want to feel a little kinky, turn up the heat on the evening, or give him a little show when you walk up the stairs in front of him? You know what to do. Take. Yo. Panties. OFF.
Which is fine advice. Understandable, sure. I mean, you don’t want panty lines, you don’t want your underwear to show through white, and you want to give him a peek at your pussy (sorry, sorry!). I feel ya. The thing is, and here’s what really gets me…
Not wearing underwear is fucking hell.
Seriously. Everything about it is horrible. I mean, it’s the hottest part of our bodies. I don’t mean that in a sexy way. I mean that it’s literally the hottest part of our bodies (I don’t know if this is true, but doesn’t it just seem like it radiates heat?). Underwear keeps all that heat up in there. But when you go commando, you keep your furnace doors open. The heat just radiates down your legs. Everything gets moist. Everything gets sweaty. Will you chafe? Obviously. Will you smell like a farm animal? You know it! Will your vagina decide to just sneeze a shitton of discharge out, causing you to feel like you wet yourself? You better believe it, baby.
Maybe it’s just because I have thighs the size of Christmas hams. Maybe my lady parts are just extra hot (not trying to brag here, but like…). Maybe I’m missing the special girl gene that makes going commando feel sexy instead of just a sweaty liability. Whatever it is, I just can not understand how anyone would subject themselves to that. And now, as I search time and time again for ways to ooze sex appeal without actually trying, I keep getting the same advice: Ditch the panties and all the boy will crawl. But like, am I the only one who feels literally nauseous at the thought of being free?
As I try and fail to leave the house without drawers over and over again, I can’t help but be jealous of my former self. The awkward elementary school girl who knew what was hot before it became mainstream. I hope somewhere in an alternate universe she’s rocking a bodycon sans-panties and oozing sex appeal (and most likely vagina juice, if we’re being honest) everywhere she goes..
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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