Drinking Increases Your Lifespan

Good news, you lushes: drinking is actually good for you. I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I do know that this is some truly outstanding news. After twenty years of research, scientists at The University of Texas at Austin have finally concluded that individuals who never drink alcohol do not live as long as those who drink regularly. Raging alcoholics fall somewhere in-between, but, eh, you win some, you lose some.

The study found that out of people aged 55-65, 69% who had never touched alcohol died prematurely. Conversely, only 41% of moderate drinkers experienced an early death. I guess it’s true what they say — red wine really is good for your heart. And apparently, so is white wine, and beer, and vodka, and whiskey…and…you get the point. Essentially, abstaining from alcohol will kill you. Take that, rehab centers and medical professionals everywhere.

Upon reading this holy grail of studies, I immediately called my mother and read it aloud to her. I was expecting her to apologize for every time she’d ever questioned my drinking or referred to ‘AA’ as something other than batteries, but instead, she told me that there’s a big difference between drinking moderately and being a functioning alcoholic. Joke’s on her, though; I’m not functioning at all.

Cheers, kiddos. Tonight, we drink in the name of health.

[via Business Insider]


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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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