It’s a known fact that choosing a college major is hard. You hear people say that what you study in college doesn’t actually matter, but as a doe-eyed freshman, you think that’s a load of crap. You know you’re making a potentially life-altering decision, and you’re probably going to be hungover while doing it. That alone is enough to scare the shit out of any normal human being.
That was me four years ago, and now, graduation is a mere 29 days away. As I sit here about to begin a weeklong (read: lifelong) routine of sobbing, swigging wine, and sobbing more, I want to reflect a little bit on my time in college–reflect not only on what I’ve done, but also on what I’ve learned. I’m not talking about that Bachelor of Science or Bachelor of Arts strewn across a $250,000 piece of paper. I’m talking about those subjects that aren’t so much academic per se, but might as well should be by now. Will we all graduate one day with a major (maybe two if we’re ambitious) which proves we know something beyond a 101 class? Yes. But should I really be majoring in all these? Absolutely.
- Memorizing useless information.
- Netflixing.
- Social media stalking.
- Binge drinking.
- Binge drunk texting.
- Crying to get out of campus parking tickets.
- Hating everyone.
- Self-serving fro-yo.
- Attracting fratty assholes.
- Creating Pinterest boards.
- Girl flirting.
- Guy flirting.
- TA flirting.
- Instagramming.
- Sorority squatting.
- Highlighting entire pages of text in multiple colors.
- Turning a four page paper into a five page paper without adding words.
- Shopping at Target.
- Shopping at Michaels.
- Online shopping.
- Lending out items of clothing you know you’ll never get back.
- Never giving back other peoples’ clothing.
- The one-handed drink and iPhone hold.
- Having a perfect bitch face.
- Day drinking.
- Rallying after day drinking.
- Sitting in a towel after showering.
- Getting free drinks at the bar.
- Sandwich making…for yourself.
- Double tapping.
- Bar crawling.
- Convincing PNMs, “Our house always looks like this!”
- Celebrity gossiping.
- Campus gossiping.
- Dance floor makeouts.
- Applying self-tanner (incorrectly).
- Procrastinating by cleaning, doing laundry, or calling Mom (or all of the above).
- Drunken heart-to-hearts.
- Drinking coffee.
- Making best friends in frat house bathrooms.
- “I-can’t-even”-ology.
- Shotgunning.
- Recapping last night in second-by-second detail.
- Brunching, drunkenly.
- Knowing someone but not actually knowing someone.
- Disney quoting.
- Finding your way home blackout drunk.
- #tbt-ing.
- Pregaming the pregame.
- Taking the perfect #selfie.
- “The Lookaway.”
- Little hunting.
- Double-chinned snapchatting girls.
- “Ugly Pretty” snapchatting guys.
- Swiping left.
- Cooler painting.
- Puffy painting.
- Overanalyzing texts
- Getting sent to Standards.
- Convincing everyone you have your shit together.
- Making mistakes (but having them be totally worth it).
- Creating countless memories with some of the best people you’ll ever meet.
Nice Move293
Respond
Drunk but not in love
(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com
@DrunkNOTinLove
