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Every One Of You Should Be Terrified Of Butt Stuff

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Sometimes the universe aligns and things happen in the most perfect way. The weather gives you a great hair day on the day you see your ex. Your barista accidentally gives you a venti when you ordered a grande. You remember to wear your rainboots and it actually rains that day. Things work out better than you could have ever imagined. Then, other times, it’s like higher beings look down on us and think, “I’m sick of working. Just put that playground next to that landfill.” And then your dude thinks it’s okay to try and stick it in your butt.

It’s a sick, sick joke putting things up there. I’m sure plenty of ladies out there have experimented and found it to be a pleasurable experience, but there is still that looming thought that it’s INSIDE your butt. Nothing scares a girl quite like mentioning taking the dirt road. It doesn’t matter how often we hear it works–we will still be terrified. Most of the reasons for it are pretty normal. The standard “poop is gross” works about 90 percent of the time, but that remaining 10 is where we really let our minds wander.

  1. No matter how many times a magazine tells us it feels good, we’re like, “No, nope, no way can that feel good.”
  2. That’s exit only. It cannot be sanitary.
  3. What if it goes up there and gets stuck…like, forever?
  4. With what’s coming out of there, the diseases you can catch have to be two times as bad (pun intended).
  5. For as much as girls pretend not to fart, this is not the way you want a guy to find out it’s not true.
  6. What if all the doctors lied and you actually can get pregnant that way?
  7. Ever seen what happens what a car goes the wrong way on one-way street? Imagine the same thing, except in your tush.
  8. Hasn’t physics disproven the fact that a dick could fit up there yet?
  9. The name itself makes it sound terrifying. ANAL sex. It’s giving regular sex a bad name.
  10. There is no romantic way to approach painting the town brown. “Hello, honey! I drew you a bath, poured you a glass of champagne, and then later I’m going to stick it in your butt.”
  11. If he finishes inside there, where does it go? Wait, no. Don’t answer that.
  12. Again, EXIT ONLY.
  13. The logistics of “swabbing the poop deck” sound about as complicated and enjoyable as the “Karma Sutra.” Most of us will never be that flexible.
  14. Actually, accomplishing the act of butt stuff means that other people out there have done it as well. Don’t let your mind wander on that–you WILL regret it.
  15. The fact that you have to put on lubrication before doing it should be a warning as to what could happen if you don’t put on lubrication before.
  16. I could press diamonds up there and you want to put your junk inside it?
  17. The cleansing process after the act of “taking the train to brown town” probably requires the services of the FDA, CDC, and the memory-erasing device from “Men In Black.”
  18. Imagine how much gets lost in that slot between your couch cushions. Now imagine what could get lost in your own personal love seat.
  19. How is this even legal? Pretty sure there are at least 50 countries that have laws against the act of “chipping out of the rough.”
  20. Finally, why would you want to play in the mud when there is a nice, clean swimming pool next door?

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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