Every Pledge Class Needs A “Friend Zone Guy”

Every Pledge Class Needs A "Friend Zone Guy"

We all know that one guy who is always around, and is good friends with most of the sisters. There’s just one minor issue for him: there is no way in hell he will ever penetrate you, or any of your friends, and he’s not gay.

This guy is so stuck in the friend zone he might as well have a lifetime membership. We all have them: the house bitch, the frat guy who is too sweet for his own good, and too in love with you and your friends to ever turn you down when you need a ride to the library, or need anything at all.

The best characteristic of the “friend zone guy” is his obvious cluelessness. He follows you and your friends around like a puppy dog, and he will literally do anything you ask/need because, for some unknown reason, he actually thinks he has a shot at hooking up with you or one of your friends. There’s no way you would ever do this, but he does make a great formal date when you’re fighting with your current “sort-of boyfriend” scenario, and he will always bring you Starbucks when you cry about being stuck at the library and are unable to focus on anything without caffeine.

If you’ve made it to your junior year without a pledge class bitch, you’re doing it wrong. My friends and I found ours freshman year. Alex was a meager spring pledge and we were new initiates. I think he brought us home one night when he was on sober driving duty, and we were blackout. Unclear. Either way, we started seeing him on campus a lot after that, and he was always so nice and friendly. Obviously we let him sit with us in the dining hall for the rest of the week.

When sophomore year rolled around and he finally got initiated in the fall, he basically gave us VIP access to his fraternity, which worked out, because we all wound up dating his pledge brothers. Poor Alex was left alone, but I secretly think he was fine with it because we still relied on him to drive us home/buy us Starbucks the next morning. He was over at the sorority house more often than some of my sisters who had boyfriends. He became such a permanent fixture that girls were completely comfortable walking around in their pajamas while he sat in the common area watching Mean Girls with us. After anyone broke up with one of his brothers, he was the individual designated to retrieving her belongings from the house and returning them to us.

Needless to say, he was our bitch. We loved him, but we didn’t “love” him.

I can’t even count high enough to give you the number of times Alex tried to make a (failed) pass at one of us when he was blackout, but for some reason, it didn’t ever matter. We all had zero sexual feelings towards him. He was more of a little brother than a frat guy.

My theory is that the pledge class bitch, i.e. “friend zone” guy, is the male equivalent of the “guys girl.” Basically, both of them are addicted to attention from the opposite sex, but neither of them knows how to get it without always winding up in the friend zone. “Chill” guy’s girls try to act like they’re one of the guys, because they assume guys are more interested in having another guy friend than a girlfriend. Friend zone guys, however, are the embodiment of “nice guys finish last,” because they think they need to be way too nice to girls in order to even talk to the opposite sex.

On paper, Alex kinda looked like a catch. I mean, I guess, objectively, he was attractive, and he was in a really good house. However, he was the guy that literally everyone thought was gay because of how often he hung out with us. I don’t think I ever once heard the kid say “no” to any ridiculous requests, not limited to the time I woke up in an entirely different state (long story) and needed him to come get me and my bff.

Essentially, you meet two different types of guys in college: the assholes, and the too-nice guys. We all love assholes because they’re a challenge and only further exploit any latent daddy issues. Nice guys, however, are beyond undesirable because…what’s the point? There’s no challenge when someone is constantly complimenting you, doing stuff for you and showering you with gifts. A guy, ideally, should be the perfect mix of rough around the edges, but still nice. He needs to have a backbone and not let people walk all over him, but he still needs to be sweet every once in a while.

The pledge class bitch is an integral part of your friend circle, because he is always there to serve as a sounding board when you need to bitch, a shoulder to cry on that won’t expect a blowjob, and of course, a very viable option for date functions if your gay bestie is already taken.

He will, however, never be a valid option as a boyfriend, because who wants to date one of the girls?

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