Bottom Tier
20. Tyga
The worst person in the whole klan is fucking Tyga, for a number of reasons, mainly the fact that he’s dating one of the hottest, and definitely one of the most influential teenagers in the world, and he neither deserves, nor appreciates it. He’s a gross social climber who’s using King Kylie to launch his career. I can’t wait until the day he’s nothing more than a mistake she dated when she was just a kid.
19. Blac “Angela Kardashian” Chyna
A contender for number one worst Kardashian, Blac Chyna just mildly escapes the bottom for one reason and one reason alone: she brought Rob out of hiding. Before the recent weeks, Rob Kardashian was presumed dead. Granted he was only presumed dead by me, but I was really into the theory. At least now we’re seeing some of him, even if that some of him is something of a Kardashian-hating monster right now.
18. Rob Kardashian
It feels almost wrong to put an original Kardashian so low on this list, but the Rob we see before us today is hardly the Hot Rob we once knew and loved. His social media game is nothing short of creepy, he’s constantly subtweeting his family, and his recent engagement to Blac is, to me, a cry for help.
17. Lamar Odom
While many might assume that a crackhead who made Koko babytalk should fall below the one true heir to the Kardashian name, I’d argue that even Lamar in his drug-induced state, was only bad on the outside. No, he wasn’t hot enough for Khloé. Yes, he has a drug problem, and not even a classy drug problem like cocaine. But he does love Khloé deep down, and her unwillingness to solidify the split tells me there’s something in his soul that’s not all bad. But at the end of the day, he still did crack. Bottom tier for sure.
16. Scott Disick
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The man we once called “Lord” (and the man who still calls himself “Lord”) is now very close to the bottom of the list. While his arrogance, party boy lifestyle, and general air of “asshole” was once its own type of charming (or at least entertaining), at 32 years old, it’s just not cute any more. Kourtney couldn’t make it work with him, and while at first, I was devastated, he’s now kind of lost his luster. Plus, there hasn’t been a Mason sighting on his Instagram in 21 weeks, so what’s the point?
Middle Tier
15. Leah
While effortlessly beautiful with her beachy waves, and mind-numbingly kind, she sort of gives off that vibe like she’s almost ~too~ nice, and something about that reads really fake to me. And I know, I know. The whole lot of them are fake. But they’re only fake physically. When it comes to the drama, they keep it pretty real.
14. Brody Jenner
One of the hottest men on planet Earth, and Brody is still toward the bottom of the middle tier. I just can’t help but find him whiney. He got mad that he couldn’t invite some random plus one to his step sister’s wedding? Like, get the fuck over it. I’m sorry that your father cared more about KUWTK than he (she was a he then, I’m using the right pronoun) cared about “The Hills.” Get over it, jealous.
13. Brandon Jenner
I’d be willing to negotiate and do a little switcheroo on the Brandon and Brody front, but ultimately, while not as hot, Brandon has a better personality. He’s the type of guy you marry. He’s adorable with his little girl, living the DILF life while Brody tries to make it as a DJ.
12. Caitlyn Jenner
This isn’t an insensitive thing. I had high hopes that when Bruce became Caitlin, she’d emerge into the confident butterfly she was always meant to be. Truth be told? She’s still kind of boring to me, and frankly, the anti-gay comments she makes are not only inappropriate, but weird given the community she just entered.
11. Kendall Jenner
Hold back your pitchforks, because I just said one of the most gorgeous people on the planet was middle tier. Yes, she is physically flawless. Yes, she’s “classier” than some of her sisters, if that’s something you care about. But she has literally never said anything interesting in her life and she pretends her family name is hurting her in the modeling industry. I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t be where you are today without your family name, princess. You’d be another pretty face hostessing somewhere in New York City, and sleeping with photographers hoping to get a gig.
10. Kanye
Yeezy was really hard to place, and unlike most of the middle tier, it’s not because he’s so non-descript, it’s because he’s too, uhh, descript. Part of me wanted to put him dead last, and the other part wanted him as number one. Ye isn’t a great person and his presence has taken a serious toll on Kiki’s wardrobe, for the worse, but at the same time? His entertainment value is unrivaled. When Kanye tweets, we listen. When Kanye interrupts an awards show and denounces Taylor Swift or announces his run for presidency, we listen. The debate club could have a field day with whether Kanye is the best or the worst, but I just don’t think I’m the person to make that call.
9. Saint and Reign and maybe Eva Jenner if she’s included
Fuck, she’s ranking the kids? Yes, she’s ranking the kids. Saint and Reign are toward the top of the middle, because they’re fucking adorable. The only reason they’re not higher up on the list is because they’re infants and really haven’t had a lot of time in the spotlight yet. Eva (Leah and Brandon’s baby) probably won’t make a ton of headlines, because they’re, like, not about that lifestyle, but it felt wrong to put a baby any lower on the list.
8. Hot Rob
Seeing as how he doesn’t exist any more, Hot Rob is middle tier, but in his day? In his day, he was one of the most fuckable guys on the E! Network, and not just because most of them are gay. He was funny, and well-dressed, and had a perfect bromance with Scott, which everyone knows makes a guy hotter. You may be alive and well, but the part of you I loved is no longer with us. RIP.
Top Tier
7. Mason
Mason is the most adorable, and best dressed little slicker on the planet. Six years old, and he’s already got a great head of hair. Unfortunately, he lives in a world where women are on top, so little Mas doesn’t always get the attention he deserves. Like, I went back in Kourtney’s Instagram 61 weeks, and still couldn’t find a solo pic of Mason’s face. North and P straight stole his spotlight, but the happy little kid doesn’t let that keep him down.
6. Kourtney
A crowd favorite, Kourtney only comes in at number six, which is shocking, to say the least, She landed the hottest guy out of all of her sisters, and she’s the most ~naturally~ beautiful of the original tripod. I’d also argue that she’s the best dressed. But while her apathy is something I’d generally admire, she comes in below her sisters for just that reason. She lacks a certain level of drama and excitement to land her the top spot. Plus, she’s kind of a bitch and I thought it was in a good way, but it might just be in a bitchy way.
5. Kylie
Big upset here with King Kylie making the top five. That’s sports speak for you didn’t expect them to win, but they did. Kylie gets a lot of hate, but if you actually watch her show, she’s really not all that bad. She’s usually joking around, and being bold, which I can admire. Even back in the day, she was sweeter, funnier, and more entertaining than her sister Kendall, and now that she’s all grown up, she’s quite a firecracker. Sure her Snapchat is weird, and perhaps she overdid it with the lips, but she’s only 18 for fuck’s sake. Plus, she literally grew up with people telling her how ugly she is (which is insane, because she’s gorgeous). Anyone who deals with the haters like she does deserves a medal.
4. Kim
Formerly my least favorite of the Kardashian Trinity, Kim has totally transformed as she became a mother. She used to be a self-absorbed bitch who hit her sister with a designer bag, and now she’s a self-absorbed mom, but she kind of strikes me as a good mom. North is always dressed to impress and Kim just looks like any other mom holding her hand, loving on her kids, and sometimes disciplining her daughter. She just does it in heels. Motherhood changed Kim for the better.
3. North and Penelope
I’m not going to pit Nori and P against each other, because they are children. They have their whole lives ahead of them for people to decide which one is prettier, and which one is funnier, and which one dresses better — a sad truth. But for now, they’re the cutest little duo I’ve ever seen.
2. Kris
Kris almost got the number one spot. So many people hate her, but she’s just such a mom. Her social media looks like a shrine to her children, and yes, she makes 10%, but honestly, I think it’s mostly out of love. Between the obsessing over her kids’ every move, the over-sensitivity, and the slight loss of touch with reality, I can’t not love her. She loves her daughters and supports all of them — plus she’s the reason they are where they are today. Besides, try to tell me this doesn’t make you laugh.
1. Khloé
Khloé is the funniest sister. Khloé is the favorite sister (literally, all of the other Kardashians and Jenners like Khloé the best, you can just tell). Khloé is the realest sister — doesn’t take shit from anybody. And now, Khloe might very well be the hottest sister. With an insane body, beautiful makeup, and blonde hair that just ~works~ no one can convince me that Khloé isn’t the best..
Image via Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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