Everyone Secretly Wants To Be A Stripper A Little Bit


“Yasssss. You are amazing. I pray to the Church of You,” I shouted toward the stage, before turning to my boyfriend. “Do you have any singles? I want to give her some cash.”

He rolled his eyes, before reaching into his pocket, in awe that I was more into this than he was. “Anything to get your hands on my wallet, huh?”

“Oh, stop. We don’t need to come here for me to get you to buy me things. But are you looking at her right now?”

“I mean, yeah…”

“No, not like that, you perv. How does she fucking do that? She’s just like holding her entire body up by her pinky toe.”

“And naked,” he added.

“And naked,” I nodded.

I continued to watch in awe, and I found myself as I always did, whenever I watched a live performance of any kind — from karaoke, to standup comedy, to live music — imagining myself up on stage in her place. And I just couldn’t help but think, God, it’s good to be her.

And I know. I’ve talked to strippers, and more often than not, the stories are exactly what you’d think they’d be. Her two-year-old’s at home, and his daddy is in jail, or something else truly tragic that led her to a life of taking her clothes off for money. But like. A lot of money, ya know? And is taking your clothes off really that bad?

I’m not saying I actually want to be a stripper. Because if I did, I could go learn to be a stripper. But isn’t it kind of actually the dream? Literally, you are so hot that people are paying to look at you. They pay money at the door to even be in the same building as you. They throw money at your feet like an army of peasants, drooling over you. And if you’re really hot, they will even pay like $20, $50, $100, whatever, to get to look at you, alone, for the duration of one fucking song. Are you hearing me? Someone will pay $100 to watch you dance for five minutes. And all the while, you get to drink on the job.


And it’s not like these women don’t have a talent. What they are able to do with their bodies is truly awe-inspiring. They are in better shape than most people I know, and the way they’re manipulating both physical space, and more importantly, men, is iconic.

We’re all out here joking about dropping out of school to become strippers when things get tough during finals week, but, I mean, don’t we kind of all want that all year long? I mean, think about it. To be that aware of your sexuality and yourself as a sexual being is fucking awesome. I don’t know how many times I’ve worn lingerie or tried to say something dirty, and just frozen up. And these women are just so great at being sexual beings that they get paid for it. And it’s not even like they have to fuck the dudes. Most of the time, anyway. Hand stuff only at respectable establishments! They get to sleep in all morning, run errands throughout the day, talk to people at work, dance, and be smokes, all for money. And I just think that sounds like all any of us really want in life.

But mostly, I think it’s just the attention.

Image via Shutterstock

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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