Everything I Know About Taking Care Of Drunk People I Learned From Babysitting

Everything I Learned About Drunk People

  1. All logic goes out the window. You can’t reason with someone who is fascinated by their own hands.
  2. Being in public with them can be difficult. It’s best to take them home as quickly as possible.
  3. Expect a meltdown.
  4. They will be laughing one moment, hysterically crying the next.
  5. When necessary, you can distract them with food.
  6. But don’t act surprised when they try to throw this food on the floor. Pro-tip: don’t let them have access to all of it at once.
  7. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, and cookies are you three biggest bargaining chips.
  8. They will try to run away from you. Fashion a leash or acquire some sort of rolling vehicle to prevent yourself from losing them.
  9. Whether they’re terrified of every animal they see, or decide they want to be friends with them all animals, shrieking can be expected.
  10. Don’t put them to sleep on their backs.
  11. When they sleep, you sleep.
  12. They can pass out just about anywhere.
  13. When they ask for “more,” be firm. Become good at saying “NO.”
  14. They will fall. Repeatedly.
  15. Hold their hands while crossing the street.
  16. Threaten to call their mother if behavior becomes unbearable.
  17. They will try to take off their pants. If you’re at home, let it happen. If it’s in public, employ a super scary intimidating whisper to get them back into said pants ASAP.
  18. If they throw a tantrum, don’t give them any attention. Walk away, but keep an eye on them to make sure they don’t harm themselves/others.
  19. You should be concerned if they get too quiet.
  20. They will keep asking you “WHY?” Make up an elaborate story to distract them from causing more mayhem.
  21. Try to keep them off of elevated surfaces.
  22. Don’t let them use a phone. They will break it.
  23. Don’t leave them alone near open water. This includes the toilet.
  24. Make them drink out of a cup with a lid.
  25. Remind them to use the bathroom before they go to bed.
  26. They don’t have the best control of their bodily fluids. Keep paper towels on deck.
  27. Employ use of their full name as a scare tactic.
  28. Lay down the law. They can barely walk. YOU are in charge.
  29. You have to take a deep breath and remind yourself “I’ve acted like this before, too.”

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