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Everything I Needed To Know Freshmen Year, I Learned From “Mean Girls”

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Let’s be honest. If you don’t like “Mean Girls,” you’re wrong. Like, having an 8 a.m. on a Monday wrong. It’s a classic movie, and one that will, for better or worse, define our generation (I’d like to think for better). It’s hard to believe that 10 short years ago, little 11-year-old me saw this iconic movie in theatres. What’s even more unbelievable was that I went with my mom. Just my mom, me, and pre-batshit crazy LiLo exploring life in American high schools. It was the epitome of awkward, but it was still phenomenal.

One of the reasons why “Mean Girls” became an instant classic is because no matter what age you are, it can teach you at least five life lessons. No matter who you are, boy or girl, straight or too gay to function, you will love “Mean Girls.” This movie is especially relevant during periods of transition. For me, “Mean Girls” really hit home when I was called up to the big leagues: freshmen year of college. High school was Africa, and I was about to Cady Heron the shit out of college.

So listen up little high school seniors, because everything you’ll need to know, you’ll learn from “Mean Girls.” Sure, you can read TSM, talk to your friends who go to college, or read the admitted students website, but honestly, if you really just want to save yourself some time, watch “Mean Girls” in it’s entirety.

  1. Your parents will still treat you like you’re five, no matter how old you are.
  2. You know how you roll your eyes every time Gretchen Wieners brags about her father being the inventor of Toaster Strudel? That’s everyone when you brag about what you did in high school.
  3. You will need a gay best friend to survive.
  4. The lunchroom layout scene? That’s Greek Row in a nutshell. Learn it, live it, love it.
  5. You may have carpel tunnel, but there is someone out there who just got divorced. Put your problems in perspective.
  6. Acting like a bitch and being a bitch are one in the same.
  7. If she’s on an all carb diet, she is not your true friend.
  8. It only counts if he saw nipple.
  9. If you have sex (without protection), you will get pregnant, and you will die (socially).
  10. The answer to, “Do you wanna do something fun?” will always–and forever–be Taco Bell.
  11. People will never forget the time you made out with a hot dog. Like, ever.
  12. You can’t buy a formal dress without the opinion of your pledge class.
  13. It may seem like a big deal to be the spring fling queen, but you’ll probably forget about it by the time you’re a senior. Move on.
  14. Sure, when you first meet that bitchy senior, she will seem nice. Just wait.
  15. Your true friends will be honest and call you out on your shit. Don’t lose these friends.
  16. Hooking up with sister’s ex is a recipe for trouble, no matter what the circumstances are.
  17. The one day you can dress like a total slut is October 31. And, of course, any time you have a mixer, too.
  18. Every frat has a Kevin G. Avoid him at all costs.
  19. Don’t talk to your superiors (president, professors, boss, etc.) when your shirt is see through.
  20. There is always going to be one mom who’s the “cool mom.” She thinks she’s in the sorority. Don’t encourage her, for the sake of her daughter.
  21. Seeing a professor off of campus doesn’t get less weird in college.
  22. Listen to the older girls in your sorority. You may think you know it all, but they’ll guide you from making horrible mistakes–like joining the Mathletes.
  23. Take a page out of Regina’s book: When life cuts holes in your tank, flip your hair and walk with your head held high. Who gives a fuck? Not you.
  24. Don’t accidentally eat (or drink) 5,000 calories a day. You’ll have to shop at Sears for a formal dress.
  25. Thinking on your feet will get you a lot farther than you think. It might even lead you to the best performance of the “Jingle Bell Rock” yet!
  26. Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.
  27. There will be plenty of bonding sessions where you literally just bitch about your body. It’s not fair that I have man shoulders and can’t wear halters!
  28. Don’t play dumb for a boy. Ever.
  29. Be mindful of others. Keep in mind that everyone wants to totally just stab Caesar.
  30. Sometimes, you just need to go to the back building for class. By back building, I mean your bed, watching Netflix.
  31. No question is a stupid question, no matter what judgmental look gets tossed your way. I bet there’s someone else who wondered if butter was a carb or not, too.
  32. Celebrate your accomplishments. Four for you, Glen Coco. You go Glen Coco!
  33. Rumors aren’t true, so remember that when you hear gossip. No, that blonde KD does NOT actually have her hair insured for $10,000.
  34. If you want to bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles so everyone can eat it and be happy, that’s cool. Just don’t share it out loud–or tweet it for that matter.
  35. If you think there might be any kind of vomit, word or real, run away.
  36. Calling somebody fat won’t make you any skinnier, and calling somebody stupid won’t make you any smarter. Sometimes you just have to solve the problem in front of you.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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