Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Getting Fake Boobs


I always knew I wanted boobs. I held out hope that my negative A cups would one day blossom into the perky Cs that I had always dreamt of, but as my senior year of high school approached I gave up hope and started seriously considering getting a boob job. I talked to my mom about it and of course got the “oh but your figure is so cute! Just buy yourself a really nice push-up.” Screw you and your DDs, Mother. I look like a toddler. My dad, a plastic surgeon, was the one who really encouraged me to go for it (no he did not do them — that’s fucking weird). So during spring break of my senior year of high school I did the deed and this is what you need to know.

There’s not just one kind of fake boob
I was 18 when I got my boobs done. Yes, that’s young, I know. But would you rather have banging boobies when you’re young, going out, wearing bikinis and crop tops or when you’re old wearing your Lilly dress to the PTA luncheon. Exactly. So being only 18 I could only get saline implants. You have to be at least 21 to get silicone. The biggest difference between the two is feel. Some people say that silicone feel a little bit more like a real boobs, but from my experience they feel about the same. Silicone also is very dangerous if the implant were to rupture and come with a bigger price tag.

They aren’t as expensive as you might think.
Boob jobs can range anywhere from $8,000 to $25,000. It depends what kind you get, who does them, if you get a lift, where your scar is, ect. Mine was $10,500 and they are insured for an extra $1,800. So in total $12,300. A little pricey but TRUST ME, this isn’t something you want to skimp out on.

You don’t have to look like a porn star.
Believe it or not fake tits can be tasteful. Most people I meet say they never would have know my boobs were fake unless someone told them. But if you’re going for the “stick your face here” look, you do you boo.

Yes, it fucking hurts.
Think about how bad you think it’s going to be and then double it. I’m not talking a couple days of popping Advil and you’re back on your feet ready to show the world your new additions. I’m talking lots of tears, lots of sleeping, not much movement, and a hell of a lot of hydrocodone. It’s a bitch so beware.

About the nipples…
I had only heard about girls losing feeling in their nipples after surgery which I was prepared for. What I wasn’t prepared for was for them to become so much more sensitive. We’re talking a slight breeze to the left and they’re out and ready to play. This has some definite upsides in bed but some serious downsides when going braless. Just call me Jen Anniston because I’m basically rocking the nipple 24/7. Judge me.

At first, they look horrifying.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a great rack. At first they are hard as rocks and yes that was a mean girls reference. Don’t freak out because they soften up and “settle in” in a few month. The longer you have them the more natural they look and feel. But at first they’re high up, feel like sand bags, and they’re actually smaller than they will be when they’ve settled down. So sit back and enjoy the boob evolution.

Every guy will want to touch them for the rest of your life.
I don’t know what it is about fake boobs that makes guys lose their shit but trust me, they will and you’ll secretly love it. Boob luges, motor boating, a quick flash here and there, a little grab in exchange for a tequila shot…. You’ll tell yourself you won’t do it, but you will. But like my mom always said, “Be a slut, do whatever you want.” My mom has never said that.

All in all I absolutely love my boobs and the entire process is 100% worth it. If you’ve been thinking about it, just make a consultation. I promise you won’t regret it.

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