Five Signs You Need To Go Home


We all know that time of night. The bar is 30-45 minutes from closing and just about everybody is reaching the level of Needs To Go Home Immediately. It’s an embarrassing and not fun state to be in. Unfortunately when you’re experiencing it you’re “totally fine guys leave me alone I’m just having fun.” But in reality you’re sloppy. You’re spilling your drink. You’re talking to an ugly guy after he already bought you a drink.

Even worse is when you shamefully reach this level way earlier in the night. We’re talking those times you don’t make is past the pre game. It’s never fun waking up the morning after a night like this and not just because of the hangover. To minimize the blow to your pride, here’s five signs you just need to go home.

1. You’ve cried (and your makeup shows it).
If there’s one thing we know about drunk girls it’s that sometimes we just love to cry. Anything from boys or how much we love our friends to seeing a dog or a chubby baby can get the tears flowing. And there is nothing wrong with that as long as it stays mostly confined to the bathroom or a corner booth and you make sure your makeup is remedied immediately after. When it reaches the point of mass hysterics in the middle of the bar and you allow eyeliner and mascara to stay smeared all over your face, it may be time to make an Irish exit.

2. You’ve lost your friends and you don’t care.
Your number one resource when going out is your friends. They’re your go-to for everything. Bathroom buddies, shots buddies, photo ops, someone to ask if the guy grinding on you is cute, pulling you away from said guy because no he is not, and literally everything you need. So when you inevitably get separated from them it should be your mission to find them. Of course there will be the separations that occur due to drinks being bought by a male, but regular check ins should always be mandatory. When you lose your friends and you don’t even notice or care and you’re dancing on an elevated surface by yourself, thats when it’s time to go home.

3. You have fallen.
This one shouldn’t have to be explained. For most sloppy actions you get a certain amount of allotted times they can happen without judgement. But falling is a whole different game. Falling means you literally can not even manage to stand or walk. You learn how to do that as an infant. Infants have better bodily coordination than you at this point. Once you’re done picking yourself up off the ground (or someone else does it for you), you’re done.

4. You’re missing articles of clothing.
This is one of the biggest mysteries among women. Whether it happens to you or your friend, it’s almost impossible to figure out how random accessories or entire articles of clothing disappear. No matter where they are going its never a good sign when a hoop earring or a shirt is just suddenly gone. You don’t look fun and flirty you look like you might have just gotten mugged. If you’re walking around with your outfit in shambles, forget anything else and just go home.

5. You start harassing the DJ or bartender.
Another quality of the extremely drunk is self entitlement. And also being annoying as hell. Many times this is taken out on the poor souls who find themselves working in bars. They’re just innocently trying to do their jobs and find themselves being assaulted by the sloppy patrons who it’s their job to serve. Listen, the DJ does not care if Sorry by JB is your “ultimate turn up song” — he’s already played it 4 times tonight. And the bartender is not gonna give you 3 tequila shots while you climb over the bar trying to grab him. Once you find yourself assaulting employees, it’s time to go home.

Don’t be that girl. Just go home.

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aspiring vodka aunt. spends her days complaining about everything and doing nothing to improve herself. Approximately 10 minutes late to everything. Follow her social media to validate her giant ego.

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