You know what’s the worst? Spilling a vodka cran on a white shirt. What’s worse than that? Dry spells. We’ve all had them. They can be a short or they can be, oh let’s say, a year and a half long. Which isn’t that bad, right? I mean, I’m asking for a friend. I could never go that long without having sex. Ha. Um, yeah. Anyway…moving on.
A drunk and very horny lady in Punta Gorda, Fla., who claims she hasn’t been “penetrated in years,” called 911 to summon police officers to her home. She reported to the dispatcher that she wanted her late husband’s Corvette returned to her after giving it to her son. When the officer arrived, this woman wasted no time making her true intentions very clear. She asked the responding officer if he was married and told him he was sexy. She continued to grab his arm and rub his chest–two of my signature moves–which he was clearly not into. When he asked if there was anything he could help her with, she answered, without hesitation: “You can fuck me.”
This is where the police officer screwed up. He asked her to stop touching him and told her she was behaving inappropriately, and then he gave her a business card with a non-emergency number for her to call. Um, helloooo? The officer basically condoned that behavior! That’s like giving the blacked out, desperate girl at the bar your phone number. She thinks you’re playing hard to get, so you shouldn’t be surprised or upset when she texts you 20 times asking where you are and telling you to come over. “So, I don’t understand what your problem is, Kyle,” she rambles. “I thought you were interested. I mean, my friend thought–” Whatever.
Like a true woman on a penetration mission, she wouldn’t let one little rejection stand in the way of her ultimate goal of getting it in. She called 911 back and told the dispatcher the officer had been rude. She requested a new officer. What she got was not only the original officer, but a second one as well. When confronted about calling 911 again, she answered:
“He was a perfect gentleman, but when I asked him to f–k me, he turned me down so that made me angry.”
Nice. I think we’ve all been there, right? I can relate to this woman. The police officers asked if she remembered them telling her not to call 911 again, and she retorted with this gem:
“I do, but how else am I going to get you to fuck me?”
The officers had no choice but to arrest her for misuse of 911, and she is currently being held in Charlotte County Jail. I feel like this could have been solved with a vibrator and maybe a male prostitute. But hey, who am I to judge a woman’s deperate times? The struggle can be very real, y’all.
[via NY Daily News]
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