With recruitment underway, and bid day nearing, Little Wars are upon us. As soon as the babies come running home, every girl in PC ‘12 will be on a mission to find “the one.” During this chaotic time, it’s easy to lose sight of something almost as important as finding your girl: big-little week. You’ll spend 4-8 weeks doing everything in your power to make this girl fall in love with you, all to spend just one week trying to make her forget about you. If you and a new girl fall in instantaneous love, she’ll likely have a pretty good idea that you’re the sister sending goodies her way all week. You were probably a one-to-one match. You know it. She knows it. Everyone else knows it. It’s your job to undo that. I’m here to help.
Step 1: Be Preemptively Cautious Regarding Privacy Settings
Of course you love love looove all the babies, and want to let them into your digital life, but I’d avoid doing so until after reveal. The less she can creep you, the better. Even if you’re normally public, I’d set your Twitter and Instagram accounts to private, and refrain from accepting any follow requests from new girls until after reveal. Put new girls on your limited profile on Facebook (I’d also put e-board, standards, and their best friends on limited profile. Not that you need to…). The reason being, you want to limit your little’s knowledge of who you hang out with, so you want her to see as few tagged photos as possible. You’re going to find the hottest guys in your rolodex (lol, rolodex) and force ask them to deliver gifts and goodies to your new child. That, or you’ll have her lick whipped cream off his chest in a contest against some of her pledge sisters. Pick your poison. If she realizes he’s your roommate’s boyfriend, she might be able to trace him back to you. Bad. Littles also talk (as they should — yay for bonding!). If you and your three best friends decide to have them do some group task, because you obviously want them to be besties, and two of them think they know who their bigs are, it will be easy for them to figure out that they’re being repeatedly paired together for a reason.
Step 2: False Clues
Once you’ve actually gotten the list, and you know your baby is yours, the real fun begins. Everyone knows that Clue Week isn’t really about giving clues, but about telling lies to throw the new girls off. It’s necessary, but it’s uncreative, and the littles tend to talk and realize they’re being faked out. Personally, I think it’s fun to mix some truths into the lies, to confuse them even more. Plus, once they come to the pledge class realization that they’re being lied to, they’ll think the truths are false, and have no idea which way is up. Your best line of action, though, is to find a target fake big (her second or third choice big) and have one clue allude to an inside joke they shared. So sneaky. I know.
Step 3: Tell Her
False clues are faulty. She knows you’re trying to trick her, and more importantly, she’s a girl. Her willingness to suspend disbelief on this is comparable to…well, to a sorority girl’s willingness to suspend disbelief on anything from having gained five pounds to a guy ignoring her calls because he doesn’t give a shit about her. You have to tell her you’re not her big. This is the hardest step, because no mother ever wants her baby to hurt, and you’ll literally be the one making her cry. I know it seems mean, but you have to do it. It will make big-little reveal SO.MUCH.BETTER — not just for you, for her, too. Expecting grand-bigs, this is where you come in. If your little finds herself physically unable to send the “We can still be friends” text, you’re going to have to steal her phone and do it for her. Excuses include, but are not limited to:
1. I don’t know what fucking happened. I’m so pissed. [Enter pledge mom’s name here] and her committee have no idea what the fuck they’re doing.
2. Of my number two’s top five, I was the only one who had her in my top five, so they paired us.
3. Your big didn’t put anyone on her list but you.
Step 4: Provide Proof
At this point, she will probably be pretty bummed, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she’ll be holding out hope that there’s a possibility that she’ll still get to say that the coolest girl she’s ever met (you) picked her. You need to crush that hope. The easiest way to do this is to provide her with solid evidence that you and her big were in different places at a given time. Again, you’ll need the help of your big. You’ve just broken the news that you two weren’t “meant to be,” but you want to “show her that you’ll still have a relationship.” Invite her over for a movie, or a beverage…I mean, just kidding, no drinking with new girls. While you’re having your playdate, your big goes to her dorm to decorate her room for the day. She arrives home to see glitter everywhere, her bras ziplined across the common room, and a poster-sized photo of her with a quote box saying “My name’s _____, I’m the hottest baby in the best sorority, and my big loves me.” This is the moment she accepts it’s real. You can’t be her big, because her big was here, and you weren’t. You’re welcome, bigs.
Step 5: Solidify The Idea That Your Target Fake Big Is Her Big
Now that you’ve officially proven to you’re little that you’re not the one for her, it’s time to solidify the idea that someone else is. All week long, you’ve been sending the precious one clues pointing to her second choice. Confirm her suspicions. Doing so is easy peasy. Have your target fake big send her a staged drunk text. A simple “Littleeeee! I can’t wait to see your face tomorrow!” followed by an “Oh, my God! I’m soooo sorry I just said that! Please pretend to be surprised at reveal! Don’t tell anyone I’m your big!” Be sure to include some typos. The little will send an understanding promise to keep the secret, as she tries to hide how crushed she is.
Understand this, bigs. During big-little week, your little WILL cry if you were a one-to-one match. (Please don’t do these things if you weren’t.) If she doesn’t, you’ve done the week wrong. It’s a rite of passage, and though it’s hard, it will make the first time she runs into your arms for the big-little hug that much more meaningful. It’s a big moment. Girls get emotional. I’ve seen girls cry tears of joy at revelation, so you don’t want your little’s response to be “Oh, hey.” Take one or all of these steps, and it’ll be worth it. Don’t believe me? Ask your big.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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