You spent an adequate amount of time on your hair and makeup, dressed in an outfit you can afford to spill beer on, and threw on a pair of somewhat comfortable shoes. You snapped a few quick pictures with your friends since you still looked halfway decent–you know the night’s events will set your face in a disturbingly ratchet and Amy Winehouse-esque state. Your pregame buzz assists your hazy thoughts as you ponder the inevitably shambly events of the night ahead of you, but you’ve come to terms with the fact that you have absolutely no idea what’s in store for the evening. In other words, you’re going to a frat party.
Frat parties rock. Between countless rounds of free alcohol, loud music, and well-dressed fraternity boys, you can really let loose and do all the shit your parents prayed you’d never try. However, you can’t help but notice that these crowded fraternity ragers come with a few flaws. As a college sorority girl with an increasing alcohol dependance and a decreasing sense of morals, I’ve grown to notice the negative aspects of these parties–and have successfully postponed studying for a major exam to arrange said flaws into a definitive order.
5. Your cup overfloweth with terrible, low-grade alcohol.
Don’t get me wrong. I really do love and appreciate frat guys for buying alcohol for ungrateful bitches like me. However, once you’ve dabbled in the bar scene long enough to develop a taste for top-shelf liquor, brands like Congress legitimately taste like the devil reincarnate. I simply cannot continue to stomach pulls of store-brand vodka followed by larger-than-liter bottles of “soda” (you know–the brightly colored, fizzy drinks with impressively vague labels like “ORANGE”). I’m sorry, but that is not real vodka, and that is not real soda. It’s fair to say that sorority girls will rarely pass up free drinks, but taking continuous swigs of shitty alcohol will really wreak havoc on your liver, stomach, and dignity. It’s so bad that you’ll even hang on that douche with the neon shirt that says “PARTIES WITH SLUTS” if you discover he’s hoarding some slightly less shitty alcohol in his room and might be willing to share.
4. You suck at dancing to the seizure-inducing techno/blacklight combo.
In a room jam-packed with loud music and intoxicated college students, there is bound to be some grinding action going on. Aside from that, there are a few random girls dancing on tables and chairs, desperately hoping to catch the attention of a drunk suitor. Your friend drags you into the middle of the dance floor, where you attempt to bust a few movies. You’ve had a few drinks, so you feel like you’re throwing down like Beyonce, but you actually look like one of the extras on the set of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video. This singlehandedly confirms all stereotypes about white people. You attempt to redeem yourself by copying the moves of the girl next to you who is totally killing it, making it all the more obvious that you are not. You soon give up and stick to one signature move that you think you might not be that terrible at, but if you’re anything like me, you have zero sense of rhythm and look incredibly awkward. Luckily, you are too drunk to actually care, so you continue to display your sporadic set of schizophrenic dance moves until you need another drink. Perhaps your dancing would be better if DJ Pukes-A-Lot did not insist on playing a continuous loop of shitty techno. It’s hard enough to dance in a room where personal space is nothing but a myth, but the constant ear-pounding beat paired with various robotic sound effects make it overbearing. That, on top of a blinding, on-and-off blinking neon light is sure to drive any normal, functioning body into permanent circulatory shock.
3. Random drunk bitches harsh your buzz and ruin your life.
Let’s talk about that not-so-classy group of (probably freshmen) girls who started drinking at 3 p.m. and have since lost all sense of social composure. They’re screaming at strangers, attempting to dance with boys who obviously don’t want anything to do with them, and trying to befriend other girls who clearly have no idea who they are. Every song is their “jam,” and every guy in the house is their “best friend.” Sometimes they’re funny, but most of the time, you just want to slap each one of them in the face. You’re embarrassed for them, but also thankful they exist to make you and your friends look that much better. Eventually, one of them will throw up (miles from the nearest toilet) and a not so amused resident fraternity boy will escort the group out, insisting they “have to leave.”
2. The bathroom is a scene straight out of your most terrifying nightmare.
You suddenly realize you have to pee, so you grab a friend to go search for the nearest bathroom. It takes about 10 minutes for your eyes to adjust to the fluorescent lights of the inexplicably grimy hallways, so you’re pretty relieved when you finally find a restroom (whether or not it’s intended for your gender). When you swing open the door, however, the sight to behold is nothing short of a scene straight out of a “Saw” movie. For starters, there is some sort of unidentified liquid on every. single. surface. You don’t know what it is, and thankfully, you’re too smart to ask. There is zero toilet paper in the entire vicinity, minus a few remnants littering the floor, which you can confidently conclude has never seen a mop. The drunkest guy in the house is taking a piss in one of the showers, which is conveniently missing a curtain. It is at this time that you make the conscious decision to either hold it or take a casual walk outside, so you can hurriedly pee behind a bush before running back inside.
1. Someone there has seen you naked.
Seeing as how hook up culture is on the steady rise amongst those of us shameful millennials stuck in the college grind, it is inevitable that you will run into someone you have performed some, uh, lewd acts with. If you’re lucky, you can escape the situation with a casual “hey.” More realistically, you’ll be mid-chug when you see a past hookup round the corner, only to witness your sudden upchuck reflex in full effect. Then you’ll awkwardly get packed into a tight area with the ex-slam, who’s full name you forgot soon after your brief, post-shack Facebook creep. You might’ve forgotten that he was even in that fraternity, since the last time you gave him an ounce of thought was when you shoved his stolen T-shirt into the back of your closet. In a perfect world, two people who have seen each other naked should be able to be friendly with each other. However, if the awkwardness of this all too familiar situation wasn’t enough of an indication, we live in an imperfect world. You’re quick to blame the tension of the interaction on his immaturity. However, you are equally guilty, as you are presenting the social graces of an 8-year-old.
The trick to overcoming the obstacles is surrounding yourself with the friends who help you forget that the chasers are spiked and the floors are sticky. Remember to toast the frat boys who make unfavorable circumstances tolerable, as well as those friendships that are built on a solid foundation of alcohol and sarcasm. Though these downsides may seem drastic, you know you can’t wait to be ashamed of what you do the next time your favorite frat throws down.
Nice Move700
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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