Yesterday, Chrissy Teigen put her tits on Instagram. She looked incredible, and the whole world had a field day. No one had sex yesterday, because everyone was busy masturbating. No word on how John Legend feels, but I imagine it’s some combination of pride and irrational anger. Teigen is far from the first woman to test Instagram’s strict “no nipple” policy in an effort to titillate (lol) the masses. Celebrities, politicians, and ordinary hippies alike have hopped on the #FreeTheNipple campaign, claiming something along the lines of “but boys can do it! Why can’t I?”
Women and men, alike, claim that it was bogus for Instagram to censor a female nipple when male nipples run free. “What is the difference” they ask. Some extra areola tissue? The fact that women’s nipples have purpose while men’s nipples only exist because their chests would look funny without them? The fact that an erect female nipple symbolizes that she is either cold, or aroused? Forget all that! You know the real difference between men’s nipples and women’s nipples?
Everyone wants to see women’s nipples. And that’s exactly why we should keep them covered.
You may have forgotten, because asses are having a moment right now, but tits make the world go ‘round. Everything men do is in pursuit of a pair of tits — and not just tits — nipples. Nipples are what make boobs count. They’re what make boobs relevant. And if men don’t have to try really hard to impress you, or at least buy you a bunch of drinks in order to see boobs in real life, that could really fuck with the status quo. Boobs, if you could imagine it, would become obsolete.
In the nipple lies power, ladies. And I know. We’re powerful in other ways, and we’re smart, and driven, and successful, and all the other things too. But we also have boobs. And men love boobs. And we love that men love boobs. And it’s not a big deal to like it that dudes are sexually attracted to our body parts. It’s also not a big deal to use that to our advantage. And putting the nipple — the ever-sought-after nipple — on display for all to see, takes away its power. It takes away the entire lure of boobs. They will no longer be a nod to the female form and a way to both captivate and manipulate men. They will just be fleshy balls of fat hanging off our bodies. And nobody wants that.
Men, I plead with you. I know you think that freeing the nipple means boobs for everyone — and it does. But don’t you like liking boobs? Isn’t the chase part of the fun? Isn’t the “will she, won’t she let me see nip” exciting in itself? Isn’t the fact that you see a pair of boobs, but nobody else gets to, part of what makes them so great? Don’t do this. Think long-term. Free nipples will destroy the beauty that is boobs.
Not to mention, freeing the nipple doesn’t just mean freeing the hot girl nipple. It means freeing all nipples. Discolored nipples. Nipples that are too big. Nipples that are too small. Hairy nipples. Nipples of old ladies. Your mother’s nipples….Your. Mother’s. Nipples.
By freeing the nipple, we submit to an entire society made up of solely ass men. Do you know how much harder it is to appeal to an ass man than a tit man? It means going to the gym. It means saying goodbye to cheese. It means, maybe never getting there, because even when you were, like, 14 years old and participated in a high school sport 15 hours a week, you still had a dimple or two on your rear. It means that you only have one curve to offer, and if you don’t have it, then tough luck.
I beg you, people. Cage the nipple. It’s for your own good..