Fuck, Marry, Kill: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio — An Analysis


With the news of Brangelina coming to an end, we’re faced with one overwhelming positive. One of Hollywoods “it” men is back on the market. Brad Pitt, an incredible actor and beautiful man is now available again — not for you, of course, you plebe, but it’s fun to indulge in the fantasy. There are exactly three men on Earth who are exactly in the same category as Brad, often regaled as the sexiest three men in the world: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

And you know what we do when we have three people who satisfy the same basic fantasy in our mind? We play Fuck, Marry, Kill, because it shakes things up and makes us think. Generally, when you play FMK, there’s a right answer. But when the options are too similar, it makes you think. I’ll take you on a journey.

Brad Pitt

Fucking Brad: He’s 52 years old and is still gorgeous. I’m reluctant to even call him a silver fox, because he’s not silver. Just a fox, arguable the best-looking of the three at present date. Just an incredible body and a full head of hair that don’t seem like they’ll quit any time soon.

Marrying Brad: Brad adopted a bunch of orphans, and prolonged his marriage to (very) long-time girlfriend Angelina Jolie until marriage equality was possible, so it seems like he’s got a heart.

Killing Brad: Well, he cheated on Jennifer Aniston, he couldn’t parent his six children with Angelina Jolie, and his personal hygiene is questionable at best. He frankly just seems kind of weird.


Leonardo DiCaprio

Fucking Leo: The biggest reason to fuck Leo is honestly because he doesn’t seem like the marrying kind. He’s still off gallivanting with models, and that’s just not the kind of the competition that any sane girl wants to put herself up against. But he’s also still Leonardo DiCaprio, so like, yes please.

Marrying Leo: It would be pretty cool to be the girl to tame Leo, I’ll say it. But ultimately, Leo is just the guy you’d put here because it’s “left” if you want to fuck Clooney, who is very fuckable.

Killing Leo: Honestly, he’s starting to look funny.


George Clooney

Fucking Clooney: Clooney is so fuckable it almost hurts. He’s that hot older guy that you just know can lay the pipe. He oozes sex appeal from every pore, honestly. Highly fuckable. Wow, I need a minute.

Marrying Clooney: While he’s SO fuckable, he’s also SO marriageable. Who do you want next to you in Instagram photos? Who eventually decided he valued brains just as much as beauty in a partner? Fucking George Clooney did.

Killing Clooney: Lol, yeah right.


Try to tell me I’m wrong.

Images via Helga Esteb /, Matteo Chinellato /, Twocoms /

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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