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Netflix Watchers
“Netflix Watchers” has become all the rage across the entire country. For only $8.99 a month, you can drop pesky pounds with the click of a button!
- Be sure to dress properly for your workout. Yoga pants, sweatpants, or no pants will give you the flexibility needed for the longevity of your workout. Bras are off limits. Oversized hoodies or stolen shack shirts are a plus, and they will keep you cool and comfortable.
- Find a location that makes you feel safe and secure (preferably someplace soft and warm, where you have the option of being either vertical or horizontal). Make sure to have lots of pillows and blankets on hand.
- Access a Netflix account. It works best if using someone else’s account, like an ex-boyfriend’s or an estranged aunt’s, but having your own account is adequate.
- Find an exciting, all-encompassing series or a collection of movies that would interest you. Don’t be afraid to watch something completely embarrassing! This workout is tailored just for you.
- Start watching. At this stage, snacks of a high caloric count, such as chips, dip, and/or cookies, are suggested. Wine is also recommended, as it’s important to hydrate for the duration of your workout.
- Netflix will check in on occasion to ask if you are still watching. This is motivation to keep going! Nothing can stop you now! For each episode you watch, that’s a pound gone, just like that! So get to watching and add up your points for a weight-loss miracle!
The Social Media Stalking Solution
“The SMS Solution” has been around for some time now, but until recently, no one had fully tapped into it. Thankfully, smart people and science stepped in and gave us the step-by-step process to being a “Social Media Stalking” success!
- Have access to as many social media platforms as possible.
- Think of people you hate or have a weird, twisted obsession with. Examples: ex-boyfriends, his ex-girlfriends, his new girlfriends, and the occasional random girl you think hooked up with your boyfriend a few years ago. The more people, the better the workout!
- This next step is risky, but you need to be willing to get dirty to see some results. Type the person’s name in the search bar. (Safety Tip: Double-check that you are searching the person and not accidentally posting his or her name in a status. That’s bad form, ladies!)
- Now, search the person as far back as you can. Check mutual friends. Look at profile pictures. See who liked the profile pictures. View every single tagged picture back to 2007. Make conclusions about this person’s character, worth, and “slut status” based solely on his or her profiles.
- Let the anger you experience when looking at some bitch from 2010 making out with your boyfriend motivate you. Feel the burn!
- The further you go and the deeper you dig, the more weight you lose! Don’t rush — take your time. Reminder: As a courtesy, remember to always clear the history in the search bars and on your computer so other users don’t see your results.
The Social Media Whore Weight Loss Miracle
The diet companion to the “SMS Solution,” the “SMW Weight Loss Miracle” is based fully around social media. It’s perfect for you “on the go” types! It’s great for a fast, effective workout. If you’re serious about getting ready for beach season, combine it with the “SMS Solution” to really see results!
- Again, have access to as many social media platforms as possible.
- Work hard to gain a plethora of followers. “Friend” hundreds of people now and delete them later.
- Here’s the important part. The key to being successful with this diet is selfies, selfies, selfies. Take them anywhere and everywhere: at the beach, in the car, with your boyfriend, on the toilet. Take tons, because this is just the warmup for the real workout.
- Once you have a selfie that makes your boobs look big and your waist look nonexistent, add as many filters as possible. It helps to download apps that will put glitter on your face and make your bitchy expression look more physically appealing.
- Upload your photo at ideal times (mid-morning or evening) and add either a clever caption, a song lyric, or a few choice emojis.
- Be sure to act totally chill when people compliment you and tell you that you’re, like, so pretty. This makes people “like” your posts more, and “likes” are key to this diet!
- For every “like” you get, that’s either a pound gone or a pound added to your “trouble” areas, such as your buttocks, breasts, lips, or brain! Good luck, and may the “likes” be ever in your favor!
The Raw Diet
“The Raw Diet” is perfect for those who’d like to concentrate on food as opposed to activity in their weight loss plan.
- Go to your nearest Target, Whole Foods, or other slightly overpriced food distributor.
- Wander down the aisles and select “raw” foods that fit your taste buds, such as chocolate, cheese, wine, bread, cheese pizza, mac n’ cheese, or chips and salsa.
- You’re looking for foods that are full of carbs, grease, and sugar. You want them to be relatively simple, as you will then add toppings of your choosing (more chocolate, cheese, ranch dressing, etc.).
- The goal is to eat as much as possible while consuming things that will ensure you’re hungry in a hour, as opposed to feeling full.
- This diet can be combined with any other diet listed, and should be used during breakups, hormonal imbalances, and/or on a daily basis.
Bye Bye Beach Diet
Perfect for the indoor girl, The “Bye Bye Beach Diet” ensures a healthy, consistent weight loss for those who don’t get out much.
- First, check the weather from your bed on your phone. Whatever you do, don’t actually get up and look outside. The less contact you make with the outside world, the better.
- After realizing that it is an absolutely gorgeous, sunny day outside, close all the blinds and windows in your residence. The sunlight and fresh air could hurt you!
- Make up an elaborate excuse when friends invite you to do outdoor activities, such as paddle boarding, tanning, or attending pool parties. Better yet, don’t even answer your phone. You have work to do!
- Now, this is when the diet gets flexible. Take this time to watch fifteen episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, spend hours putting things in your virtual shopping cart on Amazon, or just lie on your bed staring at the ceiling as you wonder if your friends are having fun without you (they aren’t).
- The key to this diet is staying inside as long as possible. The less sunlight or human contact you’re exposed to, the better!
Note: This diet is a perfect addition to any of the above weight loss plans! Combine a few for flawless results!
The All Carb Diet
Created by the queen bee herself, Regina George, the “All Carb Diet” is perfect for literally anyone.
- Eat carbs. Just, like, a lot of carbs.
- The more carbs you eat, the more calories you burn.
- And yes — you can, and should, go to Taco Bell.
Ugh, I wish. Pass the celery..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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