This upcoming weekend, my boyfriend is going on a bachelor party. His first bachelor party, to be exact. And it’s my first experience with the whole, “my boyfriend is going on a bachelor party” situation. They’re going to NOLA, for one night, and I am sure to be an emotional wreck the entire time. Not because I think he might cheat on me with some drunk, gross, TOFTB girl or whatever. It’s just, well, what if he cheats on me with some drunk, gross, TOFTB girl?
I’m not the only overly-needy girl out there with these fears. Recently a girl named Whitney Travers was dealing with the same situation. Her property boyfriend, Kieran Lumsden, was going on a trip with the guys. And most girls know, nothing sends a cold dose of fear down your body quite like knowing your boyfriend is going to spend a weekend away from you, in a different town, with all of his shitty (and single) friends, while being totally, completely drunk. Yeah. That’s the shit that horror movies are based around.
So instead of passive-aggressively saying it was “fine” before texting him 1,000 times while he’s away and having some sort of “you don’t value our relationship” type argument, she decided to do something else. She crafted a little booklet (#tsm) outlining the rules for his boys weekend.
Psycho? Maybe. Effective? Possibly. Something we’re all going to copy? Hell fucking yeah. Let’s break these rules down, shall we?
- Make sure your phone is charged at ALL times! Phone me at least once a day (2 mins).
Nothing worse than his phone dying and you can’t even text him passive-aggressive things.
2. No girls whatsoever. Don’t look. Don’t talk. Do not touch!!!!!! (Cheat and I will destroy everything Celtic, I will also make your life a living hell. Kim will be told too.)
If it has a vagina, it’s not okay.
3. Do not follow girls on social media.
Like we don’t know all of their followers by heart anyways.
4. TATTOO = NAW, you’ll be checked when you get home.
Nothing says “breakup” faster than noticing his fucking phoenix tattoo.
5. DON’T mix drink! “DRUGS ARE FOR MUGS.”
Better yet, just stay sober.
6. If on boat party, no drinking games with the opposite sex.
I know what happens on those party boats. I KNOW.
7. Stay in your own bed!
This is a hard limit.
8. Dinny buy girls drink. That money can be spent on me.
Nothing says “I want to have strange sex with you and never call you again” quite like buying some random a drink at guys’ weekend.
9. Text Kim every day! She’ll be worrying.
Every. Fucking. Day.
10. You tell every girl about me ok – if someone flirts, WALK AWAY.
It’s that simple.
She then ends it with a casual “NO PHOTOS WITH RANDOM GIRLS OR SC STORIES.” On one hand, this is teetering on slightly controlling and overbearing behavior that could drive a guy away. On the other hand, she covered all of the fucking bases, and I have to respect the fact that our girl is thorough. If you can’t literally remove his dick while he’s away, at least you can give him a list of rule to follow, *or else.* You say crazy, I say I’m going to Michaels to stock up on markets and am making my boyfriend a little booklet of his own..
[h/t Post Grad Problems]
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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