So, the other night I was sitting in a spinney-stool at the bar sipping one too many Moscow Mules (not clear) and analyzing my life. The good, the shitty, the intoxicated, etc. For the most part I was proud of myself for not usually falling into the fuckery most douchebags hold over their victims. I’d consider myself generally chill in the relationship department. I’m not usually a cunt to my boyfriends. I don’t scroll through their phones. I put up with their friends. I don’t bitch about football season. And I’ve never had a legit fight with my current squeeze.
Then I noticed that approximately 17 minutes ago I told the itty-bitty bartender with huge tits that my boyfriend just died and pretended to be a lone wolf for the rest of the time spent sitting at the wooden bar. Ummm, what? Yes. I was disappointed that my boyfriend doesn’t compliment me enough, because I compared him to my friends’ boyfriends who still hit on them all the time. WTF, right? He and I never argue, yet there I was pretending to be a goddamn widow or some shit.
A few sips of Russian aqua later, I noticed it’s not just me who does bizarre shit like this. It’s actually not my fault at all that I socially killed my boyfriend. Other people in relationships suck too, but in their own individual ways. I looked at my friend fighting with her boyfriend and recalled how psycho they both are together. He punches walls when he’s mad at her, and of course that makes her cry. Not healthy, I know. Plenty of my gal pals love to social media stalk their men. They’re actually brilliant at this dangerously dark craft. Some couples just give each other the cold-shoulder when pissed off at one another. And others pretend they’re in high school by threatening their boyfriend/girlfriend and openly flirting with any other mortal with a pulse.
What I’m getting at is even the chillest of all chill humans can have their cool vibes assaulted by the power of relationships. “I’m not like that and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years,” you may say. Shut up. Don’t lie. You’ve done something worth judging at least five times and you know it.
Once you get in a relationship, you’re saneness is pretty much doomed. That area of your brain that controls how to react to your significant other’s actions is just going to become crippled and scavenging for help, whether you realize it or not. It’s not even a matter of being obnoxiously territorial. It’s just some inclination we feel in our soul towards the other person. Obviously, this sneaky disease affects some way worse than others. Unfortunately, no mood stabilizer or medication can fix this issue.
As previously mentioned, it’s all about individualism. Just like how every relationship is annoying but cute in their own idiosyncratic way, people’s form of relationship-craziness is unique too. It’s all dependent on the individuals in the relationship and how they behave. If you are in a relationship and begin to pay closer attention to your actions, one day you’ll have that epiphany that you actually are a little cray, but it’s not (always) because of your personality. It’s because of your (ironically) loving link to this other being in your life.
Now, if you’re a single lady, hopefully this makes you feel blessed to be in decent romantic psychological health. You’re capable of saturating in a bathtub without being overcome by desperation to check your phone every eight minutes to see if your beau is fucking up and liking a hot bitch’s mediocre tweet. There’s a certain freedom of being single that doesn’t get enough credit. Yes, you get to make out with whomever you want and that’s hella nice. But I’m not talking about that kind of freedom. I mean that maddening connection you birth once you make things official with someone else isn’t a burden for you. You’re freed of all responsibilities (which eventually poison your well-being) that come along with getting a significant other.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely happy with my relationship, even if I do tell strangers my boyfriend is dead when I’m inebriated. But that’s just the toll you have to pay when you agree to stick to one dick for however long you can stand each other. If your soul so desires and is prepared for a slightly distorted (or completely destroyed) future, then go ahead and find a man that will put up with your shit. It’s totally normal to be a little bonkers when you like someone..
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Kellie Stritz
Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.
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