42 Bathroom Rules Every Person With A Moral Compass Should Follow

woman's shoes in gross bathroom

Remember when bathrooms were making the news? When places weren’t allowing transgender guests to use the bathrooms they deserved to use and people were made to feel bad about themselves, or feel like they were monsters because others didn’t understand where they were coming from? Yeah, that was and is a shitty time in our society and I can’t wait until the day when equal rights for everyone is a thing, not just a dream. That being said, the whole situation got me to thinking: are there *actual* bathroom rules? I don’t mean ones having to do with transgender people — that whole situation is insane and they should be able to go into the restroom that they feel comfortable in. Come on. It’s 2016.

No, what I’m talking about is much more petty and something I personally deal with every day. I’m talking common girl bathroom rules that we don’t talk about but that we all better follow, OR ELSE. Here are the top ones. Read them. Learn them. Live them, or you can guarantee I’ll be washing my hands next to you giving you the side eye like it’s my damn job.

  1. If you’re using the mirror and someone comes up to the sink, you either have to move or leave.
  2. Preferably leave because come on, you’ve had your time. It’s their turn to stare at their pores in the mirror and wonder why their hair looks so bad today.
  3. But at the very least move as far to the edge as possible and accept that they now hate you.
  4. If you’re shitting in the stall during the hours of 9-5, stop. Don’t do it.
  5. If you have to, flush as many times as humanly possible.
  6. As. Many. Times. As. Possible. There’s no such things as too many times. The limit does not exist.
  7. And spray any sort of fume-masking spray.
  8. If it is an EMERGENCY and you have to poop in public, put toilet paper in the bottom of the toilet first so that when you do poop it doesn’t make any noises when it hits the water (pro-tip).
  9. Unless there are no other stalls left, don’t use a stall right next to an occupied stall.
  10. If you’re washing your hands, and someone flushes the toilet, you’re expected to get out of the room before they get out of the stall.
  11. Don’t linger. Don’t make them have to reach across you for the fucking soap. Just leave. Trust me, your appearance isn’t’ going to get better the longer you look in the mirror.
  12. If you pee on the seat, you clean it up because you’re not a fucking animal.
  13. Same thing goes for any other…substances that come out of your body.
  14. There’s a special place in hell reserved for people who don’t clean up their own body messes.
  15. If you do poop, just wait until everyone leaves the bathroom to come out. It’s for the best.
  16. Avoid eye contact as much as humanly possible.
  17. You don’t need to brush your teeth in public. Like you really, really don’t.
  18. That’s why gum was invited, okay?
  19. You don’t get to straighten your hair in a tiny, three stalled bathroom. I’m sorry, you just don’t get to.
  20. Same goes for putting on a full face of makeup or shaving your pits.
  21. You actually never get to shave anything in public. Being hairy is the punishment for not planning ahead.
  22. If you are in a single bathroom, and there is air freshener, spray it INTO the toilet while you are flushing.
  23. This takes away the bad smell without the next person KNOWING you just shit in there.  You’re welcome.
  24. If a stall is out of toilet paper, you tell the girl behind you.
  25. And if someone asks for toilet paper, for the love of God, you give it to them.
  26. If you pee more than once an hour, people will think you’re a weirdo.
  27. Plan your fluid intake accordingly.
  28. And if you do pee that often, change up your bathroom route every other time so people don’t assume you are going to the bathroom.
  29. If you’re in the handicapped stall (obviously when there aren’t any handicapped people in there. You’re not a monster) don’t use the sink in there if there’s a line.
  30. What are you? A fucking sadist?
  31. And if there’s a line of people waiting to go to the bathroom, you don’t get to sit on the toilet hate stalking your ex’s new girlfriend…
  32. And if you *do* bang in the bathroom, don’t wait for the big finish.
  33. Just get in and out, if you catch my drift.
  34. If a girl is throwing up, you give her your hair tie.
  35. I know it sucks, but it’s just what you have to do.
  36. You don’t need to talk on your phone when you pee.
  37. You’re uncomfortable, everyone else in the bathroom is uncomfortable, and the person you’re talking to us uncomfortable.
  38. And unless it’s super important or you don’t care what anyone else in the bathroom thinks, you don’t need to keep talking to your friend while you’re both peeing.
  39. Unless you’re drunk, your three friends do not need to go into the stall with you.
  40. Even if you *are* drunk, three friends is pushing it.
  41. You don’t get to have sex in the bathroom when people are waiting to go to the bathroom.
  42. Horneyness can wait. Peeing can not.

Yet another reason why being a girl is the worst.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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