What the hell am I doing?
Here I was, half naked, standing in the middle of a strange room in a strange apartment with, well, a stranger. As my dress was being lifted over my head and my nipples poked out to the world as they reached the cold air, I quickly weighed the pros and cons of my decision. Do this and pull off the most badass, sexually-charged revenge plot of all time or put my dress back on and walk out, never to be faced with this perfect moment again.
Fuck it, I said to myself. I leaned forward, and planted a kiss on my ex-boyfriend’s little. His female little. His self-selected “best girl friend” and confidant within the Greek community. The person he could talk feelings with the way he never could with one of the boys.
Yeah, I was about to have full-on lesbian sex. With my ex-boyfriend’s little sister. And you thought sanding down your boyfriend’s cooler when he dumped you was revenge? LOL, okay. So how does a (basically) straight girl end up getting dildo fucked by her ex’s naked little sister? The same way we do everything: with a broken heart and a lot of tequila.
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 1: That’s Not How We All Do It
Seriously. If you want to try something new consider doing it when you’re not drowning your sorrows in tequila and $5 bottles of Burnett’s.
It all started at the bar. Well, no. I guess technically it started when my boyfriend and I parted ways. I’m not going to say whose fault it was (his) or who did what (he cheated on me), but needless to say, we were no longer a thing. And I’m not saying I wanted to get revenge (I did) but still, I wasn’t exactly over what he had done to me, and I’m not exactly a good person (at all). So when I saw his Greek little sister dancing at the bar I was at, something inside of me (alcohol) told me to go talk to her.
“Hiiiii.” I slurred to the cute, perky brunette.
“Oh my God, hi!” She shouted back at me. “How are you? Alex is such a dick.”
“No I’m like fine. Totally.” I muttered back.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me close to her. “Let’s go dance.”
The next thirty minutes were spent downing shots, grinding with the enemy’s little sister, and swearing that I “totally didn’t care that my heart was ripped from my chest.” Whatever. So over it. Who even needs boys, amiright? (sob sob sob). After tossing back the tenth shot of the night with me, Sarah leaned forward. In the middle of the dance floor, in the middle of tons of my ex’s brother and friends, she kissed me.
Needless to say, that’s when the dry humping on the center of the dance floor started. I felt her tongue slip in between my teeth, and her breasts swelled as we moved the the beat, caressing and grabbing each other’s asses. Her teeth grazed my bottom lip as I reached up and grabbed her hair. Just as I could feel my body start to pulse with tension and pressure, her friends tapped her on the shoulder.
“Sarahhhhh. Let’s go get food. We’re hungry.”
Sarah turned to me with the same not-hungry-for-food look in her eye. She wiped off some stray lipstick from the corner of her mouth as she presented the question all horny, college kids are just waiting for someone to ask.
“Want to come get food with us?”
Huh. Did food mean food or food? Did it matter? Would there be fries?
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 2: “Food” Doesn’t Mean Food
But yes. You will be eating out…
Still, the alcohol in me decided to take charge of the situation.
“Sure.” I murmured back. “Let’s go.”
The next thirty minutes were a blur of McDonald’s chicken nuggets, making out in the back seat of someone’s car, and Sarah’s hand lightly brushing through my hair. When she asked me if I wanted to crash at her place, I immediately said yes. I could give you tons of bullshit reasons why. I didn’t know where my keys were, I had “accidentally” scrolled back 52 weeks into my ex’s Instagram and blah blah blah. But honestly? I was drunk. I was horny. And I knew where this was going.
As we entered her dark apartment, I could barely make out the room. The streetlight illuminated her face as she shyly said that she was going to take a shower. Ah, perfect timing. The vodka-chicken-nugget-regret combination was sloshing around in my stomach in the most uncomfortable way. After throwing up the last few hours worth of damage in her kitchen sink, I rinsed my mouth out and helped myself to some wine from her fridge. Now what?
I wandered around her room, trying to figure out how this would play out. Would we watch movies and pass out? Would we have sex? How? Like really? How would we have sex? I’d never really seen a real, live female vagina other than my own. What would I do with it? Did I have time to Google this?
I heard the water shut off and in my panic, and I began chugging my tumbler of Chardonnay. I placed my empty cup on the nightstand as Sarah walked out of the bathroom in a towel. Fuck. What now? What do I say? She looked up at me with hesitation. I guess it was my move. I took a deep breath and tried sound sensual.
“Let’s do this.”
Smooth. Real smooth.
I tugged at her towel and felt the air tickle my legs as it hit the floor. She pulled my dress above my head and my nipples immediately went erect. As I gazed up and down her curvy body, I tried to get in the mindset. This is hot. Right? Every girl has one of these nights in college, right?
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 3: Every Girl Does Not Have One Of These Nights
But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t. Unless of course you’re scared of vagina. Or boobs. Or awkward situations.
Her DD’s were sitting there staring at me and I had no idea what to do with them. I had never really been faced with human boobs that weren’t my own. I desperately tried to think of something to do. Squeeze them? Lick them? Slap them? As my mind went completely blank, I decided to just paw at her tits. Was I digging? Was I trying to scratch them? Who knows, but I was going for it and goddammit, she was going to like it.
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 4: Don’t Paw At Her Tits
It doesn’t feel good. You know this. Just stop.
She grabbed my hands before I complete tore off her breasts with my incessant pawing and led me to the bed. Her lips landed on my mouth and slowly made their way down my body. Oh shit, this girl knew what she was doing. As she slipped her fingers inside of me she began sucking my clit. I squirmed beneath her to try and get more pressure but her head popped up.
“Is this okay?” She asked abruptly.
“Y-yes.” I stuttered back through clenched teeth.
She increased the pressure on my magic little vagina bean with her fingers and and began sucking on my nipples. I could feel my legs start to shake. I have no idea how long I laid there and had sex with her tongue. Minutes? Days? I snapped out of my almost-orgasm trance when she once again asked,
“Is this okay?”
Ugh. Yes it’s fine. Jesus. Everything with her was so soft, so gentle, so estrogen-filled. I wanted power. And I wanted her to stop asking if things were okay and start actually fucking me. I figured I needed to take matters into my own lady-virgin hands.
I flipped her over and climbed on top of her. I saw the surprise flicker over her face before it was replaced by something else. Something darker. Something carnal. I started to rub her clit and kiss her neck. I felt her shudder beneath me as her breath started to catch. Did I mention I was basically a lesbian sex champion at this point?
Feeling cocky about my skills, I took my turn and slowly started to kiss down her body. She tasted like vodka (or was that just me?) and her skin was warm and slightly damp from the sexual tension. As I reached her hips, I bit them softly, making her whisper my name out loud. Wait. Her hips? I’m at her hips already? It hadn’t occurred to me what would happen. I kind of thought I could make base camp at the hips but judging my her moans, that’s not exactly what she wanted. Ugh. There was only one place left to go. Shit. My mind started panicking. What the fuck do I do with a vagina?
“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” She said quietly, sensing my hesitation.
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 5: You Do Have To Return The Favor
Don’t be an asshole.
“No. No I want to.” I lied.
I took a deep breath and dove in (literally) head first. I let the tip of my tongue hit the opening of her…opening. Hmmm. Acidic but not altogether bad. I sent a little prayer up to the vodka Gods to thank them for getting me so fucked up. I put a little more pressure on her clit and felt her grab my hair. At least, I think that’s her clit? Who knew vaginas has so much, stuff? Everywhere I looked, there was a different fold, a different piece of skin, a different confusing part. As she started to moan, I placed two fingers inside her and began fingering her slowly. Holy shit, I’m fingering someone. Okay. Don’t freakout. It’s just warm. And gooey. And feels like organs. It’s fine, it’s fine. I talked myself out of a mini panic attack as I moved my fingers around inside of her lady-cave. Just as I was getting used to the Jell-O like substance around my fingers, I felt something clench onto me.
“AHHHH! What the fuck!” I shouted.
“What’s wrong?!” She sat up immediately.
Oh. Right. As I looked into her hurt and panicked eyes I realize that it was just her vagina doing that vagina thing. You know, kegels or whatever. Time to salvage this.
“I was just getting really turned on…” I lied.
Her hurt feelings went away and I couldn’t have been more grateful for how drunk she was. How drunk we both were. As we stared somewhat awkwardly at each other, I wondered if that was it. If we were going to just watch Netflix now? Or maybe she’d ask me to leave. I scanned the dark room to try and locate my bra.
“Sooo…” I started.
She hopped off the bed and started ruffling around in a drawer. I sat up and pulled the sheet over by breasts as I saw her grab an item. My heart began pounding. Hard.
“What uh…what now?” I slurred from her bed as I saw her pull something out of the box.
“Maybe we could try…this?” She purred seductively.
Try what? What were we trying? I had no idea how lesbian sex worked, but whatever the next step was, I was freaked. There was only one thing we hadn’t done. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. She didn’t have one. Right?
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 6: She Has One
Yes. It’s plastic. Yes. It’s big. Yes. It’s a dildo.
As she and her large, purple dildo stepped into the moonlit patch of light in her room, my mouth went dry. There’s no possible way that could fit inside of me. It was the size of a baby’s arm. A giant, full grown, adult baby’s arm.
“Have you ever used toys before?” She asked as she reached into her bedside drawer and took out a condom.
A condom? Why did she need a condom?
“Uh…no. I don’t think so. I mean, sort of but…” I muttered completely confused as to why I was looking at a girl who was holding a giant dildo and a condom.
“Do you want to?” She questioned as she snapped the unsexy piece of latex in place.
Do I want to have sex with a dildo? I had never asked myself that question before, but as I laid there spread eagle, with an eager girl holding a condom-covered dildo near my vag, I realized that yes. Yes, I did want to have sex with this piece of plastic.
She slowly slipped it inside of me and I felt a fullness unlike what any of the dicks I have encountered have given to me. She leaned down and sucked on my clit as she began thrusting harder. Ho-ly. Fuck. I felt the pressure build inside of me immediately as she alternated flicking and rubbing with her fingers. I knew it was only a few seconds before I…
“Ah I’m going to…”
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 7: Give Her A Warning
It’s just the polite thing to do.
“…come.” I shouted, as female secretion squirted out of me and onto her face.
Time froze as I watched my liquid slide down her neck. Is there a way to kill yourself without moving? Maybe I could just run out of the room while she was still blinded by my female spray. Sure, I had squirted before. But never in the face of some random, unsuspecting girl. Was she going to yell at me? Was she going to tell people? Can I just book a flight to Europe and change my name right now? I was at the verge of hyperventilating when she did the craziest, hottest, scariest thing I have ever seen.
She licked the dildo. The one covered in my cum.
I stared at her with a mixture of fear and respect. Until this moment I had thought that I was sort of gay. I mean, I loved making out with girls when I was drunk and I always thought women were hot. But I watched Sarah’s ass jiggle as she hopped towards the bathroom to wash off her face and the fake, rubber penis, I realized something.
Vaginas aren’t for me.
Maybe it was the texture. Maybe it was the taste. Maybe it’s the fact that I just like a P in that place instead of a V. When I woke up the next morning, sore and sticky, I contemplated my decision. Was it a mistake? Should I have done this? What did this mean? JK. I don’t think like that. It was fun. I got off. Who cares? I walked out of the bedroom naked and sat down at the counter as she placed a big plate of breakfast in front of me. Lesbian sex might not be for me, but the morning after? That I can always get behind.
Girl On Girl Sex Tip 8: Don’t Knock It ‘Till You Try It
You never know what you’ll like until you give it a taste try. Worst case, you might get some breakfast out of it. Not everyone likes vagina, but everyone (and I do mean everyone) loves a big plate of morning-after-sex pancakes.
And as for that ex of mine? I’m pretty sure he got the hint when I Snapchatted a picture of myself and his little naked in her bed. Remember how I said I was a bad person? Told you it was true. But whatever. You know what they say: the best revenge is fucking his family. Or something horrible like that..
Image via Shutterstock
This column was originally published on July 31, 2015
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