Once upon a time, we were all horny little high schoolers. We would doodle the names of boys we liked in our notebooks and text them low key slutty things when we snuck off to the bathroom. Weekends were spent chatting online, lying to our parents, and walking around the mall for hours. It was a magical time, filled with naivety and wonder. Nowadays, “first dates” include drinking well vodka and having seven minutes of mediocre sex before waking up to an excuse about why he can’t commit. But back then? Oh back then was the glory years. We understood true romance. First dates were spent eating some Panda Express, sitting in the back of the movie theatre, and indulging in a little over-the-pants action.
When we get frisky now, it’s either straight to sex or taking the less-appealing-but-still-mandatory side trip to blow job station. But back then? Back then there were tons of other things we could do. Making out kept us occupied for hours. The gentle graze over some denim was enough to make our legs weak. And the hand job still existed.
I know what you’re thinking: “hand jobs still exist!” And I get why you’d think that. It’s not like we had a movement and agreed to stop giving them. But for some reason, they’re not around anymore. Maybe it’s because guys think they’re lame. Maybe it’s because as we’ve gotten older, our hands aren’t quite the prizes that our mouths are. Or maybe it’s just a direct correlation between age and sluttiness. Whatever it is, hand jobs have gone extinct. And so I’m here, not on my knees, but sitting next to you in a mostly deserted theatre while awkwardly reaching over over to unbutton some pants, to ask the question we’ve been wanting to ask since we graduated high school:
Give hand jobs a chance.
I know I sound insane. And I know I might be shunned for this. But the truth is, it’s time to bring the handy back into style, and here’s why.
It’s A Good Workout
There’s a reason the Shake Weight’s design looks suspiciously like jerking someone off. Because giving an HJ is a phenomenal workout. All of that mindless up and down pumping burns an absurd one hundred calories per half hour. You can literally do it while watching TV, being on your phone, or day dreaming about not giving a hand job. You don’t have to pretend like you’re having fun, or acting like skin-lollypops tastes great. It’s simple. It’s easy to understand. And it’s a nice nod to our younger days. Sure, it’s tedious. But so is any workout.
You Don’t Have To Worry About The Clean Up
One of the biggest concerns with sex with what to do with it. And by “it” I mean the sperms. If you’re going the oral route, you have to decide between spitting (“what a pussy”), swallowing (kill me now), or just sort of letting is squirt everywhere. There are too many choices and too many areas that you can go wrong. And if you have full-fledged sexual intercourse you either become a target for him to aim at, or have to do some quick praying to every deity that your birth control doesn’t let you down. But when you’re giving an old fashioned h-jay? It’s pretty self-explanatory what happens. Sure, you have to wash your hands a few times after, but it’s better than washing an infant.
It’s Vintage
Sex isn’t really that special anymore. Between the media, the freedom of not having our parents down the hall, and whatever dating app is popular, having intercourse has become pretty ordinary. And a blow job? While appreciated, it isn’t really out of the norm. If you really want to surprise him and give him a night he’ll remember forever, grab some lotion and get to work. 10/10 guys won’t know if they just went back in time to when they were sixteen, of if they died and went to PG-13 heaven (or hell, depending).
It’s Nice To Have An In-between
So you don’t want to go all the way. Maybe you’re on your period. Maybe you’re pretending to be on your period. And you sure as shit aren’t putting it in your mouth. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was something in-between nothing and putting a penis in your body? Maybe you want to make him feel good without resorting to suckling on him? Or maybe you want to make him climax without making your number climb. Bringing back the handy would giv us more options, more ways to mix things up, and more chances to get out of the most intimate of sexual acts with unworthy guys.
No Shower? No Problem
Speaking of disgusting blow jays, nothing is grosser than going down, or getting it on without someone gross. Maybe he just got back from the gym. Maybe he hasn’t showered since yesterday morning. Maybe he just has naturally sweaty balls. It doesn’t matter the reason, you don’t want to go down there. And you don’t want that thing in you. But a causal handy? All you have to do is sanitize after and you’re set.
They Do It To Us
When was the last time you hooked up and a guy didn’t slip a finger inside of you? Yeah. Never. Guys give us “hand jobs” all the time. It’s just a part of getting it on. Sometimes it leads to more, sometimes it doesn’t. But if they have the right to get us off with just a little hand motion, I think we should be extended the same curtesy. #Equality
You Get To Check The Meat Before Eating The Cow?
You know how they say a guy “won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free” (which is total bullshit, btw)? Well a girl won’t want to eat the meat if she hasn’t stroked the cow first. It’s a weird analogy, but the point is, before putting something inside of your body, you should inspect it. That’s just the safe thing to do. A hand job makes the whole experience fun and exciting, instead of just obvious that she’s checking for size, weird skin, or any type of strange bumps.
I know it might seem crazy or old-fashioned, but I think it’s time we all accept the truth. It’s time we add some variety and lower expectations to our sexual lives. It’s time we take a blast through the past (literally), and give hand jobs the chance they deserve..
Image via Youtube
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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