Go To The Pumpkin Patch Before It’s Too Late And You Upset The Balance Of The Universe

Pumpkin Patch

There are those quintessential moments of a girl’s life that transform her from that of a girl, into a woman. The most obvious rites of passage; hitting puberty, periods, sex. But also, the not so obvious milestones; your mom allowing you to wear your first two-piece bathing suit, getting your heart broken, creating your first Bumble account, and just in time for fall, getting really dressed up to take pictures with pumpkins. Whether you are killing the game with your SO and making people believe he actually wants to take these corny pictures with you, or you are single AF and only find your self-worth through those Instagram likes, no one can deny the power of the pumpkin patch and a nice infinity scarf.

A fad that has only gained traction since the powerful rise of social media, pumpkin patch photoshoots are one of those life defining moments where you realize you’re not a little girl anymore. As you take a seat on your pumpkin throne, you understand the significance of a nice cardigan/ankle-high boot combo, you have been around the block enough times to know that ONE pumpkin isn’t enough (unless, the pumpkin is big enough to sit on, but, logistics), and that your ten minute trip to the patch is only good for two hours worth of deciding which picture/filter combo to post of it.

The power of the pumpkin patch calls us all. Just like, sex and alcohol, it’s something that you can’t refuse. You can’t deny its gravitational pull. And as soon as the weather hits just under 70 degrees, it beckons our forthcoming, leg warmers, vests, and all. You go through life with the whispering devil on your left shoulder (otherwise known as your roommate, Alycia, who convinces you that making grass angels in the front of Sig Ep is funny and a good idea), and the angel on the right (your housemother, who all but chains you to your bed while begging you not to go out for the fourth night in a row), but this is one occasion that they find nothing but common ground. They both know that if you, as a powerful female, don’t take ANY pictures in a pumpkin patch, the whole season of fall will cease to exist. The authority of our wonderful, green earth spinning on its tilted axis depends on whether or not you go get that bomb ass picture at the pumpkin patch.

So go, young grasshopper. Be brave in a dangerous, cruel, and unfair world. The clock is ticking on our beloved fall, and soon, winter will come. The leaves will die, and worse, the pumpkins… they too will die, a slow and painful death. Just imagine all the pumpkins out there that have been neglected. The ones that have yet to appear on Bethany’s Instagram page. Do YOU want to be known as the woman who disrespects the patch? The woman who has the audacity not to obey nature’s law and order? Fall is a gift. Pumpkins are a gift. The patches are a gift. The thermal leggings and LL Bean boots… they are all gifts. And gifts are meant to be admired. As we all know (or have heard), it is much better to give than it is to receive. So give the pumpkins your deserving love, and in your subconscious, know you’re about to receive all the narcissistic social media love you could ever hope for.

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