Going Out Actually Sucks

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We’ve all been there. We made plans. We had an action-packed weekend ahead of us, full of people we (pretend to) like. We know there is alcohol to consume. The entire week, we itch to rip the tags off of our new corset top that screams, “I’m just slutty enough to be easy but I’m still basically STD free,” and march our StairMaster sculpted (or Taco Bell created, I don’t judge) ass around in front of that dumb-as-a-rock-but-most-likely-a-tomcat-in-the-sack bartender.

After a long week of class and studying (LOL) Friday FINALLY rolls around. It’s 5 p.m., and the phone is buzzing with your people begging you to start the weekend and grace them with your presence. Happy hour! Drinks! Margs! Socializing!

As you look at the texts and pray your “read receipts” notifications are turned off, you realize with shock that you have absolutely no desire to do anything this weekend.

This is the moment when your mind works at a pace saved for bullshitting midterms, sweet talking your way out of a Standards meeting, and explaining why you accidently made out with your little’s ex. It is time to whip out a foolproof excuse for why you are going to sit on your ass for the next 48 hours and speak only to delivery men.

  1. You’re sick (boo, you whore).
  2. You don’t want to get sick, and you’re pretty sure that time you coughed on Wednesday was a sign of pneumonia.
  3. Your free trial of Netflix is about to expire and you really should get your lack of money’s worth.
  4. Pants. You’d have to put on pants.
  5. You just consumed an entire frozen pizza by yourself, and it was just your appetizer.
  6. You haven’t eaten today. (Well, except for lunch. And dinner. And you had a BITE of breakfast.)
  7. You have an ex. He goes out sometimes. So he might be there. Maybe.
  8. You haven’t shaved. So just, no.
  9. Is that a pimple?
  10. You can’t compete with the all of the freshmen girls’ skinniness and skankiness.
  11. You can’t compete with all of the senior girls’ alcohol tolerance and bitchiness.
  12. You’ve reached your quota of making out with random guys for the week.
  13. You haven’t made out with anyone in a while and like…what do you do? Just go up to them? And kiss them?
  14. You enjoy sitting down, and shitty college bars offer little to no shitty seating.
  15. Cat videos exist.
  16. Makeup tutorials exist.
  17. Internet stalking exists, and it’s much easier than actual stalking.
  18. You have chronic bitch face, and you’d have to do something about that in public.
  19. The thought of hiding your bitch face makes you feel like you’re living a lie, and you’re not going to live a lie.
  20. Bloated.
  21. “The Notebook” is coming on soon and you feel like having a good cry.
  22. You cannot, will not, no way in hell, put on heels.
  23. You don’t feel like telling freshmen boys that no, you are a senior and you are in no way interested.
  24. Same goes for sophomore, junior, and senior guys, too–we have our sights set higher, sorry boys.
  25. Watching people try to mate with each other when your boyfriend is your vibrator is not what you call a good time.
  26. You have to put on things that button and/or zip.
  28. Do they even have pinot?
  29. The thought of drinking boxed wine out of a plastic cup is too much to handle after the week you had.
  30. Normally, you can do the fake smile, squeal, hug, and shout, “Oh my Gawwwd! You look so pretty!” but that’s just too much to handle today.
  31. His ex RSVPed “Yes” to the Facebook invite.
  32. His new girlfriend RSVPed “Yes” to the Facebook invite.
  33. Okay, everyone RSPVs “Yes” to Facebook invites, but what if those bitches actually show?
  34. You only have about three great moves, and two of them are illegal in public.
  35. The sprinkler isn’t a good dance move. (I’ve tried, guys. I’ve tried.)
  36. Your period.
  37. See no. 36. It counts double, because it’s the devil.
  38. They don’t serve mozzarella sticks there.
  39. So. Much. Small. Talk.
  40. You don’t feel like receiving fake compliments from guys in hopes they get to bone you.
  41. Okay, the compliments aren’t bad–but, like, what if no one hits on you?
  42. What if no one talks to you and you’re THAT girl, getting drunk alone in the corner and crying?
  43. You would also then drunk text the ex, because, well, duh.
  44. Then it would spiral down to the “you hooked up with your ex” vortex.
  45. You haven’t done laundry in more than two weeks, and “Febreezing” isn’t working any more.
  46. You know you’re prettier, smarter, and better than everyone else. Why go out and make society feel bad? You’re honestly just thinking of other people.
  47. Or, you could tell the truth. You literally just hate everyone.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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