Nothing in college says, “someone please shove me off a 30-story building” quite like getting assigned a group project. Quite simply the bane of our existence, group projects make things like chugging bleach and killing a family member just for the doctor’s note seem like completely viable alternatives. Here’s why:
The People
If the people in your group project are predetermined, there’s about a one million percent chance you will be outnumbered by strangers who are both less competent and more annoying. Examples include–but are certainly not limited to–the bitter bitch who didn’t get a bid anywhere, the jock ape from the football team who no one knew was even in the group until the final PowerPoint presentation, and the one international student whose name will remain a mystery until the end of time. And if you think choosing your group is any better, think again. Telling your semi-hookup buddy he can’t use Comic Sans for the final report because you have Word Doc OCD and that he must use Cambria instead doesn’t make you look like a psycho at all…
The Schedule
If you thought the struggle after winter formal was bad, the struggle to find a slot of free time that works for all of your group members’ schedules is worse. If you’re not sacrificing gym time, you’re getting sent to standards for missing chapter again. If you’re not blowing off a coffee date with a sister, you’re losing time to get ready for the ABC party tonight. When you finally do find a time to meet up, it’s almost guaranteed someone will leave the assignment sheet at his or her dorm. That, or you spend an hour staring at each other awkwardly laughing about how you have no idea what this project is even on. #Productivity
The Compilation
You know from about the second your group is assigned how much work you’ll put into the project. If you’re lucky enough to get a heavily caffeinated, Adderall-ed out overachiever in your group, then by all means, hand that bitch the reigns. But if you don’t have her, have fun becoming her. Since you’re in a sorority, the rest of the group members will obviously look to you to make the end result look aesthetically pleasing. What their small, GDI brains fail to comprehend is that it takes days, even weeks to complete a crafting project, which requires hours upon hours of trolling both Pinterest and the aisles of Michaels. Not only will the finished product showcase almost none of your real crafting abilities, but the all-nighter you just pulled means showing up to class the next day looking like a cross between a raccoon and Kris Jenner sans makeup.
It Always Ends With A “Fuck It”
You spend the sweet two hours and 16 minutes of sleep before the project is due dreaming about how you’re just going to destroy each and every member of your group when the professor asks for group feedback tomorrow. But by the time everything is over and done with, chances are, you won’t even have the energy to mumble the words “I hate you all” to your group mates, never mind rip them a new one in a long, drawn out, written evaluation. You’ll end up saying, “fuck it,” and you’ll leave the classroom defeated, wondering why on Earth God hates you so much..
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Drunk but not in love
(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to [email protected]
@DrunkNOTinLove
