You know what’s sad? Putting a plastic bag over the head of someone you love. We hate to do it. The people who own the head hate to do it. It’s messy, awkward, and everyone has less fun than, say, not putting a plastic bag over the head of someone you love.
I am, of course, talking about the head of a penis. And the plastic bag? A condom. Preferably “ribbed for her pleasure.” But a condom, nevertheless.
I know the commercials make it seem like condoms are sexy. Two hot people dry humping on the couch in well-fitted jeans and then OMG they both pull out “super thin, you totally can’t even feel them, better than sex” condoms. They laugh and rip open the packaging of a lubed-up plastic bag and you just know what’s about to happen.
They’re about to bang. But the thing is, they’re about to bang with a condom on. Which is just about the least sexy banging ever.
Maybe it’s the messy clean up. Maybe it’s the annoying “do you have one? No you don’t need a Magnum. Why is this banana flavored” conversations. Maybe it’s the fact that it feels like you’re fucking a literal plastic bag. Whatever it is, we hate condoms. Which is why 60 percent of women have said “screw it” at least once in their sexual lives and relied on the ol’ pull and pray method.
And it’s scary. That moment when you decide you want to go sans bag. But according to science, the pull out method might not be as bad as we all thought. It fact, it might actually be pretty damn effective.
According to “Broadly,” more and more women are saying “to hell” with condoms and hormonal birth controls and just pulling out. It’s partly because women are now taking charge of their sexuality. Condoms inhibit male and female pleasure. It’s partly because the pill turns most of us into crying, eating, emotional monsters. And it’s partly because we’re freaking tired of having to pump chemicals into our body, insert things into our cervix, and have sex with plastic bags.
We want to have sex with a man, not a piece of latex. And we want to do it when we want to do it, without the fuss of condoms.
And it turns out, pulling out is almost as effective as using a condom. Because everything we ever knew was a lie. According to a study published by “Contraception” pulling out is a really common form of bc. And more than that, tons of people have avoided having offspring thanks to it.
The perfect-use failure rate for withdrawal is 4% compared to 3% for condoms; similarly, within the first year of use, 18% of couples relying on withdrawal will experience a pregnancy, comparable to the 17% of couples using male condoms.
Sure it doesn’t protect against STDs and no, most people aren’t going to own up to the fact that they utilize this method when they’re in the back of the car and need to get some D. But by using apps that let you track your cycle (to avoid unprotected sex when you’re ovulating), making sure both you and your partner(s) are clean, and having impeccable timing, you might actually get away with using this classic method. And if not, be sure to invite me to your baby shower. I may hate children, but I do love me some “gender reveal” cake.
Happy sexing! And may the pull out odds be ever in your favor..
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