Guess What? There’s A Beauty Contest For Your Guy’s Penis


It started out like any other day. You woke up. Drank some coffee. Considered working out. You went about your tasks, and shirked on some responsibilities. Just as you were thinking about actually going to your evening class or finally taking the plastic off of your textbooks (sure, it’s November, but you have to read the material before finals, right?), he texts you.

So you go to his house and pop open some wine. One second you’re happily watching Netflix, and the next second? Well, everyone’s clothes are off, the hormones are roaring, and you find yourself rolling around on the couch. Naked. It’s right about the time when you’re face-to-face with his genitals, that you notice something. Or somethings, rather. Hanging between his legs like two trophies of manhood are his balls. Upon closer inspection you notice how smooth they are. How supple they are. How goddamn perfect they are.

That’s when it hits you: “Are my boyfriend’s balls beautiful?”

Chances are? Yeah. They fucking are. How could they not be? When you think beauty you think: Grand Canyon, any movie with Meryl Streep in it, and these mother effing testicles. So now, you have two choices. Be selfish and keep them to yourself, or share this with the world and make bank. You pick the second choice, obviously. And luckily, the genius guy who brought us the “World’s Most Beautiful Vagina” competition just keeps on giving the people what they want: synthetic genitals and the chance to throw our dignities out the window for some cold, hard cash.

I give you, the first ever Balls Beauty Contest:

I know right? It’s a dream come true. If for some reason your vag didn’t win the last genital beauty contest, no worries! Just force your boyfriend to take a pic of his beautiful man-balls and submit them to the contest. The first, second, and third place winners will recieve cash prizes (up to $5,000), as well as the honor of having their balls turned into art! The winners’ balls will become the models for a whole line of ball-related products such as “paperweights, doorstops and bookends.” Just imagine if your other half wins and you’ll finally be able to physically own his balls! #Goals

You better hurry! The winners will be picked on Christmas day, which only gives you a little over a month to get his balls into shape. At least now all of those annoying dick pics will come in handy. Goodluck to everyone, and may the best scrotum win.

[via Cosmopolitan, Autoblow]

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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