I’m sorry in advance.
It seems as if a Japanese virgin* who goes by the handle “Ryuto” has created a new video game that will make you appreciate your boyfriend for playing endless hours of Madden football games and “Call of Duty.” It’s called the “Boobie Squeezing Simulator,” and it’s worse than you can imagine.
Ryuto, who is most likely very intelligent with the books and not so much with the ladies, decided that using an extremely powerful device called the Oculus Rift (I am not making this up–it’s actually called the Oculus Rift) to create a video game where you grab boobs is what the world and technology are missing. The thing is, it’s not just a video game where guys run around and steal cars and just so happen to sometimes accidentally grab a tit (because that’s an easy accident).
No. The whole purpose of the game is to grab boobs. And it’s not even just seeing the character grab boobs. Ol’ Ryuto thought of everything and created a special “boobie mouse pad” that acts as the “control” in the anime game. So, guys put their hands on giant, “if this was real life they would totally be fake” anime tits and enter a virtual world where they grab at a woman’s breast. That’s it. But let’s be honest–this is, quite honestly, the main goal most guys have in real life. So it’s like, why are they doing it virtually?
The worst part? The female characters in the game resist the grabber’s advances. They squeal and ask the grabber to stop. Because this whole thing wasn’t creepy enough.
So, recap: a man created an anime video game in which you grab fake, foam tits, and on a screen, you guide your character’s movements, thus seeking the goal of grabbing unsuspecting and non-consenting women’s breasts.
Yeah, that’s where technology is at. Aren’t you just loving Madden right now? Yeah. I am, too.
*As for Ryuto: earlier, I stated he is a virgin. I’m not 100 percent positive about that, but I’m pretty damn sure for three reasons.
1. He used the word “boobie” in his creation, as opposed to the hundreds of better nicknames for a woman’s breasts.
2. He is using a lump of foam as breasts for his game. Like, I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure my tits don’t feel like a lumpy mouse pad, thus making me believe that he has never actually come in contact with a live, human, female breast.
3. He created a video game to grab boobs. Enjoy your virtual fondling, Ryuto, because I think once the word of this gets out, you’re never getting laid and you’ll never feel an actual “boobie” again.
via New York Magazine, Daily Dot]
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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