Guys Tell All: Biggest Turnoffs

Guys Tell All

Dude brain, in all its gross, mystifying, and curious glory has always been fascinating. I mean, the best thing about your roommate having a boyfriend is being able to use him as your personal therapist when you need to analyze every minute action of Mr. Wonderful in an attempt to figure out if he likes you — asking him yourself would be too much. But not everyone’s roommate has a boyfriend, or a brother, or a good guy friend who’s always around to council you, so I’m doing it for you.

I had a bunch of guys at my disposal. Some some of them are serial daters, some of them are former fuckboys, some of them “get” girl brain, and some of them…don’t. But all of them are straight shooters, and all of them have wieners — and that’s what’s important here. This week, I started off basic and asked, “What’s your biggest turn-off?” You won’t like what all of them have to say, but it will be the truth.

I really hate it when girls actively try to dumb themselves down in an effort to look cute. What kind of guy are you trying to pick up? Why are you ok with presenting yourself this way? It tells me that you aren’t comfortable with being smart, and I can’t wrap my head around it.


I can’t stand girls (or people in general) who, when they’re having a bad time, bring everyone around them down into their deep pool of despair and drama. Just because you’re having a bad time doesn’t mean everyone around you should have to, too. If we’re at the bar with my friends and I can’t enjoy myself because you’re making it blatantly obvious that you’re miserable and want to leave as soon as possible, I’d rather you just didn’t come in the first place.


Girls who don’t pronounce the letter t. For example, saying “impor’ant” rather than “important.”


Stank Puss…but really loud girls. I like confidence, but being “the loud girl” is obnoxious.


Bad smell. If I get a whiff of a girl and it’s anything less than what I’d consider to be a “good smell”, I immediately get completely turned off. It’s to the point where I could simultaneously see a photo of a girl and smell something weird, and despite the fact that the smell has nothing to do with her, I still associate the bad smell with her and get turned off.


Unattractiveness? I don’t know. I’m trying to mess with hot chicks, not trolls. Not trying to mess with flat asses either. Give me that booty meat. Daddy needs it.


Too many to list so I’ll pick my biggest one. I don’t need you to be a chemical engineer or anything, but if you’re too dumb or shallow to hold a real conversation, it ruins any physical attractiveness you have going for you. Completely ruins it. And P.S. If you’re trying to be cute by describing yourself as sassy or bitchy or have something in your social media bio that says “I probably hate you” or about hoes being jealous of you, there’s a 100% chance you’re wrong and you just suck.


Physically? Being out of shape. Not every girl needs to be a zero. Everyone’s bodies are different, and people make it work at different sizes — and that’s great! — but put in a little upkeep effort. So maybe that should read, “Not giving a shit about your appearance and/or health.” Unless you have the metabolism of a gazelle with dysentery, you probably shouldn’t spend all your time on the couch inhaling stuffed crust pizza. I need you to feel as much shame as I do when I do that exact same activity.

In terms of personality, don’t be dumb, boring, or wildly racist.


Stupidity. It doesn’t matter who is smarter than the other, but if you can’t handle a basic conversation and proclaim a Kardashian as your biggest role model we just aren’t going to get along. If you haven’t read a book that wasn’t school assigned in the past five years, don’t even bother.


Overall consensus: dudes hate dumb girls. They also hate ugly girls and smelly girls — but mostly dumb girls. Hit the books, nerds.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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